17 hot takes about dating
my contribution to the discourse
Günther Förg, Untitled, 2007
If it’s a great first date, they might just have a lot of practice going on first dates.
Stolen from a TikTok (I will link it if someone finds it): there are three types of people in the world: 1) people who are, for whatever reason, down bad for you. 2) People who kind of like you and if you do all the work are along for the ride. 3) The rest of the world, i.e. people who don’t like you. Given that you’ve gone on a few dates and have gotten know each other (most people aren’t down bad for anyone in the very beginning), DO NOT spend time trying to change a Type 2 into a Type 1. It doesn’t work and it’s a very bad use of your time.
If you are prone to doing this, you probably are more interested in having a relationship with your fantasy than with an actual human being. Because you don’t like yourself.
It doesn’t matter when you sleep with the person, it’s your relationship with intimacy in the specific context of the person that matters. Like if you’re cool with sex and know you’ll feel good afterwards, go for it. If you know it’ll be too much right now, don’t go for it. And if you’re unsure slash unenthusiastic… definitely don’t.
However, a lot of people don’t understand their own feelings about sex, so if you fall into that category, maybe hold off a bit.
It is critical to have projects that you care about and bring you joy. It’s hard to date if you are obsessing over dating. People can tell when you’re using them to plug the giant hole in your psyche.
Honestly, a lot of your life problems will probably be fixed if you have projects that you’re focused on and derive meaning from. Susan Wolf had the right idea.