Love this, totally resonates with me. I recently went from a tech contracting grind to a stable non-profit philanthropy job and the way it's shifted my sense of achievement can't be understated. I don't need to *do it all*, I just want to do what's right for me. Gonna send this post to a few people that come to mind :)
This reminds me of this Jung quote (sorry kinda long). The part about children inheriting a burden of the unlived life feels so true to me, especially among really type A people I know:
"Today I can say: I have been true to myself, I have done what I could to the best of my knowledge and conscience. Whether it was right or not, I cannot say.
Suffering was inevitable in any case. But I want to suffer for those things which really belong to me. A decisive factor for me in choosing this path was the knowledge that if I did not respond fully to my life's purpose and challenges, then they would be inherited by my children, who would have to bear the burden of my unlived life in addition to their own difficulties. I am aware of what a heavy burden was passed on to me by my parents. Such a burden cannot simply be shaken off. You find yourself weighed down with an inheritance that you have to accept and carry around like a snail carrying its house on its back.
Being "smart" and behaving reasonably are not enough to get you through life. You may well spare yourself some trouble, but you cut yourself off from your own life in the process. I have seen the fate of those who have not lived their own lives, and it is simply horrible. People who live out their destiny and fulfill it to the best of their knowledge and abilities have no reason for regret."
This was very relatable for me, I guess I got quite lucky. I dropped out of an engineering career to pursue painting and all I could hear was “wasted potential” or that anyone could be a painter, which is NOT true - but I live in the happiness that I chose passion (not everyday is sunshine and rainbows but).
I agree with your premise, but I also think there may be a third way, which is experimentation. I can spend way too much time speculating on the pros and cons of every decision, but most of the time I’ve learned I couldn’t have known the right answer until I tried something.
But that also doesn’t mean I have to brute force and stay with that decision for a long time, whether that be a relationship, a career, or a city.
The downside of course is constantly sampling and never committing to anything. So there’s a balance.
> I would hazard a guess that most people who are graduating from Yale and, say, taking a job at McKinsey reason that they’re giving themselves financial stability and lots of optionality by taking a high-status job that gives them flexibility for the future. Which okay, perfectly true, but still, at some point you’re going to have to actually solve the problem of who you are and what you care about.
This!!! As someone who prioritized & stumbled into optionality, and then hit a hard, what-exactly-is-this-in-service-of? crisis, relate so much here!
Love this. I try to tell my Asian parents this everyday - that I’d rather take my time to figure out what I want to pursue long term, but they get anxious if I’m not brute forcing something meaningless (aka having any 9-5 corporate job). They themselves led meaningless lives and chased the corporate ladder for the golden cherry on top, so they don’t see why I want to do something meaningful and fulfilling and just live a small quiet life.
Need to hear this as many times and in all possible ways until it clicks in my head. And I love the way you put it. Such a tough thing to unlearn but maybe one of the most important!
This has been so top of mine for me — the concept of when things can look perfect on paper (you're doing all the Right things, working hard, being productive) and yet there's this constant background sadness. And there is so much romanticization of putting in "blood sweat and tears" but perhaps there is too much of that? When do we know when to stop?
"I feel like people create this false binary where either you approach life in a super Type A way where you’re grinding away until you collapse exhausted at 1 AM or you’re unambitious and never going to contribute anything to society." <--This resonates with me so much. I'm surrounded by careerists who will work far more hours than me at something I care very little about. Then I'm left feeling guilty and unambitious for not contributing as much as they do.
Love this, totally resonates with me. I recently went from a tech contracting grind to a stable non-profit philanthropy job and the way it's shifted my sense of achievement can't be understated. I don't need to *do it all*, I just want to do what's right for me. Gonna send this post to a few people that come to mind :)
fucking love this
This reminds me of this Jung quote (sorry kinda long). The part about children inheriting a burden of the unlived life feels so true to me, especially among really type A people I know:
"Today I can say: I have been true to myself, I have done what I could to the best of my knowledge and conscience. Whether it was right or not, I cannot say.
Suffering was inevitable in any case. But I want to suffer for those things which really belong to me. A decisive factor for me in choosing this path was the knowledge that if I did not respond fully to my life's purpose and challenges, then they would be inherited by my children, who would have to bear the burden of my unlived life in addition to their own difficulties. I am aware of what a heavy burden was passed on to me by my parents. Such a burden cannot simply be shaken off. You find yourself weighed down with an inheritance that you have to accept and carry around like a snail carrying its house on its back.
Being "smart" and behaving reasonably are not enough to get you through life. You may well spare yourself some trouble, but you cut yourself off from your own life in the process. I have seen the fate of those who have not lived their own lives, and it is simply horrible. People who live out their destiny and fulfill it to the best of their knowledge and abilities have no reason for regret."
Love this so much! And please skip a week or two or three, we love your brain and would hate to come in the way of its rest 💛
This was very relatable for me, I guess I got quite lucky. I dropped out of an engineering career to pursue painting and all I could hear was “wasted potential” or that anyone could be a painter, which is NOT true - but I live in the happiness that I chose passion (not everyday is sunshine and rainbows but).
I agree with your premise, but I also think there may be a third way, which is experimentation. I can spend way too much time speculating on the pros and cons of every decision, but most of the time I’ve learned I couldn’t have known the right answer until I tried something.
But that also doesn’t mean I have to brute force and stay with that decision for a long time, whether that be a relationship, a career, or a city.
The downside of course is constantly sampling and never committing to anything. So there’s a balance.
> I would hazard a guess that most people who are graduating from Yale and, say, taking a job at McKinsey reason that they’re giving themselves financial stability and lots of optionality by taking a high-status job that gives them flexibility for the future. Which okay, perfectly true, but still, at some point you’re going to have to actually solve the problem of who you are and what you care about.
This!!! As someone who prioritized & stumbled into optionality, and then hit a hard, what-exactly-is-this-in-service-of? crisis, relate so much here!
Love this. I try to tell my Asian parents this everyday - that I’d rather take my time to figure out what I want to pursue long term, but they get anxious if I’m not brute forcing something meaningless (aka having any 9-5 corporate job). They themselves led meaningless lives and chased the corporate ladder for the golden cherry on top, so they don’t see why I want to do something meaningful and fulfilling and just live a small quiet life.
Need to hear this as many times and in all possible ways until it clicks in my head. And I love the way you put it. Such a tough thing to unlearn but maybe one of the most important!
I needed to hear this in this moment, so thank you for writing it and putting it into this big world.
This has been so top of mine for me — the concept of when things can look perfect on paper (you're doing all the Right things, working hard, being productive) and yet there's this constant background sadness. And there is so much romanticization of putting in "blood sweat and tears" but perhaps there is too much of that? When do we know when to stop?
What does it mean to be a “semi-gifted child”? How is it different from merely being a gifted child?
You’re saying things I’ve never had people say quite like this---not all together, not with so much clarity and feeling. Gorgeous resonant piece!
Sigh, as someone tired of brute forcing my way through doors (and walls), this was nice to read
ava! this is so so good. thank you for writing this
"I feel like people create this false binary where either you approach life in a super Type A way where you’re grinding away until you collapse exhausted at 1 AM or you’re unambitious and never going to contribute anything to society." <--This resonates with me so much. I'm surrounded by careerists who will work far more hours than me at something I care very little about. Then I'm left feeling guilty and unambitious for not contributing as much as they do.