against disorder

+ weekly recs

Pierre Bonnard, Dining Room in the Country, 1913

Life is a fight against entropy.

The dogs rip their toys open and I buy more. The flowers wilt, so we throw them out and buy cherry blossoms. I write a post, I write another post, I write another post.

Life is a fight against disorder.

When I’m in a bad mood, I think: I’m tired of fighting for other people. I’m so sick of managing their emotions. If the price of you changing is me forcing you to change, then I don’t want it. Your passivity turns me into someone I don’t like being.

Still, I understand that everyone comes with a different set of problems. A TikTok tells me that happy couples tend to consist of partners who have high conscientiousness, low neuroticism, and moderate adventurousness. That’s you! Sometimes I resent you for not being “active” enough, but then I think of some friends who are, if anything, too active, and I realize: if you were different I would have a completely different set of problems, and in all likelihood they would be worse.