Gustav Klimt, The Sunflower, 1907
Everything that goes wrong in relationships is usually the result of attempting to exert too much control.
Some common ways people exert control: avoiding someone in order to create space and feel better (avoidance). Chasing someone in order to increase proximity and feel better (anxiety). Needing to be in constant communication to feel okay (communication addiction). Not being able to communicate in a normal way (flaking, ghosting, etc). Falling in love with someone not as they are but as they could be (so you can prove you have the ability to change them). Pursuing someone despite them saying upfront they’re not interested in providing you with the relationship dynamic you want (self-fulfilling prophecy). Saying things like “There are no good people out there” (self-fulfilling prophecy).
The opposite of this: being present with what’s actually happening.
What the above does not mean: resigning yourself to a dynamic that makes you unhappy or accepting mistreatment.
What it means: regulating yourself and taking responsibility for your own internal environment. Identifying what you want. Going after what you want.
This is hard because: most people are dysregulated most of the time. They tend to be particularly dysregulated in the early stages of relationships.
Which causes a “fog of war” situation. When you’re dysregulated, you tend to be a bad judge of 1) what you want, 2) what’s happening, and 3) what you should do.
Often to friends, my advice boils down to “act normal.” However I have learned that for most people, this is not specific enough, soI'll try to elaborate here.
Consider: what is the TONE of my message? Is the tone calm, or is it anxious, grasping or needy? You can be needy with your best friend or your girlfriend (well, depends) or your husband or your mom. You should probably NOT be needy with someone you don’t know. If in doubt, ask a friend. If a friend is not available, ask Claude. On the flip side: is your tone HOSTILE? If you’re going to text someone just to sound unfriendly, it’s actually worse than not texting them at all. I think a lot of women have been indoctrinated into thinking they should “play hard to get” which they interpret as “being unfriendly.” Playing hard to get is another way of saying Having Boundaries, Self-Respect, and the Ability to Be Normal. It does not mean Being Hostile!!!! Being hostile, in my opinion, is actually worse than being needy, because if you’re needy at least you want to see me, which is nice. When you’re hostile it’s like damn why is the mean person in my phone.
Consider: What am I Actually Asking For? Rule of thumb: most people do not like it when you Ask For A and it becomes clear you’re Actually Trying to Get B. You are better off politely asking for A.