Housekeeping: I’ll be closing this round of matchmaking in two days. Here is the form and we’ve added a penpal option for people who don’t live in SF or New York. If you live in SF/NY but you would prefer to get a penpal instead of an IRL match, you can select the “Other” option for location. You can fill out this form instead if you participated in the January batch.
Ava and Rishi talk about the trap of intellectualizing our emotions (0:35-9:15) not JIFFing—judging, interpreting, fixing, or freezing—(9:16-17:50) and answer two Dear Bear questions.
Question 1 (18:00):
I had a 7-year relationship in my 20s. In the years since then, I’ve been single. I’ve dated on and off but never found my person. This is partly because I just don’t find myself romantically attracted to many people, at least to the point where I’d change my life for them (one of my definitions of “true love”). .
A couple months ago, I met a girl who matched my energy. …
But she’s seeing someone else nonexclusively.
When I asked a week after we’d met whether she’d consider me, she declined.
When I asked her today what she thought of me, she told me that if we had met just a little earlier, we would’ve been together.
She tells me that she can see the other guy working out, but me working out just as well.
In your podcast with Rishi on getting over a crush, Rishi recommended leaning into it and seeing crushes as opportunities.
That’s what I’ve done. Though I’ve felt _some_ connection with people I’ve dated over the past 8 years, none have come remotely as close as this. When I’m with her or think about her, I feel such an intense joy yet such a crushing sadness at the same time. I don’t want to let those feelings pass without experiencing them fully: I don’t know when I’ll experience them next, even if I’m hurting so much.
Ultimately, the ball’s in her court. I want her to be 100% confident in her decision. Even if I were her choice in the end, I wouldn’t be satisfied if she wasn't totally sure, and I’ve told her this.
But I have a couple questions for you, Ava.
1. If I’m already in such deep love with someone, should I, or can I, date others? I worry that I might not have the space for someone else; I just don’t know how much capacity I have in my heart. I also worry that this might be unfair for others. I ask this with your next round of matchmaking in mind.
2. If she ultimately chooses someone else, I want to be not just be friends, but close friends. She’s just that special. I know that I’ll be devastated. I also know that my love for her will remain. How should I prepare? What’s the best way to convert this romantic longing into a kindred companionship, especially with her selected partner in the picture? Is it even possible?
Question 2: (30:20)
I have a dear friend who keeps getting disappointed when dating. She knows she is looking for a lot of different qualities in a partner that are hard to all find in a single, available individual. She tries hard to be open-minded to letting go of some of these aspects, but is finding it hard to accept that there exists no right one (there has but it hasn’t worked out in other ways). How picky is too picky?
Links to things mentioned in the podcast: Asian jam and The Workbook for Five-Minute Relationship Repair. Rishi says to “check out appendix A and B if you want a true 5 min primer.” You can contact him at rishter@gmail.com.
Also: someone had the great idea to take some of the questions we didn’t get around to answering and put them in a doc for the community to answer. So feel free to poke around! Please be kind. And of course you can submit more questions here.
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