friction

Joan Brown, Harmony, 1982

This past weekend J texted me. She broke my heart so badly a few years ago. We had one of those ride-or-die, us-against-the-world friendships. We used to get drunk and eat borscht together. And send each other long emails. It’s hard to imagine recommencing our friendship, though I have tried. I really love her. But she made me feel so unsafe, and I don’t know how to feel safe around her again.

D’s been mad at me since last year. Though he would never say that. He would say, I’m just busy! I love you. He loves me, I know it, but the love takes a toll. I was always scared of loving D because he expected so much from me. I kept thinking: when I disappoint you, how will you take it?