how to help someone change without going crazy

Emil Nolde, Heidehaus, 1900

It is possible for people to change a lot. It is possible to help them change. Here are some of my thoughts on how to keep your head while they’re losing theirs that I’ve picked up from coaching as well as years of experience with friends and partners.

1. Nervous system capacity is the constraint, not logic. You can explain something to someone a thousand times and it probably will not address the fundamental issue, which is that they’re paralyzed by fear and guilt. The bottleneck is never that you haven’t explained something well enough. It’s safety.

   1. A common error is thinking, They just don’t see the pattern! I need to point it out. I just need to explain myself better. This is why talk therapy from a bad therapist does not work. Believe me, if you guys have discussed it before, they get it. The limitation is Not Intellectual.

2. Do not have delusions of grandeur. I genuinely think I’m good at my job: clients, friends and partners have given me credit for helping them make some of the biggest decisions in their lives. However I’m very much aware that 1) I can’t help anyone who isn’t ready to change, and 2) any support I can give in the present does not override influences they absorbed from their childhood and family of origin. If any part of your plan depends on someone changing a lot it’s not a good plan. Do it purely for the love of the game (or, in my case, as a job).

3. It’s worth asking: Do you want to change? Do you want my help? Consent is important.

4. Take note of people’s patterns. What keeps recurring is telling.

5. You’re gonna be worse at supporting others if you’re codependent. However, most people who are extremely interested in helping other people change are codependent. Sorry. It’s just a fact. If you want to help people, it’s in your best interest to develop clear boundaries between your experience and theirs. If someone else’s flailing affects your emotional life to the point where you’re very distressed you will not be detached enough to help them effectively.

   1. I’ve generally found that the less my happiness is tied to someone else’s day-to-day emotional fluctuations, the better of a friend and partner I am.

6. It’s really hard to help people who are not self-aware about their motivations, limitations and desires. If you can’t have a clear conversation about what they’re feeling and what they want it’s best to just leave it be for now. It is a very, very bad sign if you bring up a topic and someone refuses to engage or talks about it in an extremely oblique manner.

7. Related: do not over-index on people’s mental content. What someone says to you about their state, rationale, and expectations is usually a mental layer on top of a much more primal feeling. Try to identify what the feeling actually is and point it out to them.

8. Relate: a good sign someone is closer to acting is if they’re fairly consistent in what they self-report. If they tell you wildly different things every week, they’re just not ready yet.

9. People choose partners at the same level of differentiation as them, or at most a half step ahead or behind. If you think you’re two steps ahead of your partner, think again.

10. People form unspoken contracts in every relationship (you do X, I do Y). If you don’t understand why someone is acting the way they are, think about what they’re getting from the implicit contract.

    1. Many, many people want to suffer. A partner or family member or a friend who has a lot of issues makes for a very interesting Gordian Knot (ask me how I know!). It feels really, really satisfying to take care of someone and be needed.

11. If you are very sure someone you love is lying to themselves about their experience, kindly and tactfully say it once. They will come to appreciate it in time.