Reminder that matchmaking is still open!!!
This is relevant if you are getting to know someone and want a mutual, fulfilling relationship with them. If you do not want a mutual, fulfilling relationship with them, feel free to ignore. (Note: this is primarily applicable in the situation where you know someone and are in the stage of getting to know them better. If you don’t know them at all but want to be friends or you are alienated from them in some way a different set of best practices applies. I also have a set of best practices for what to do if you’re determined to ignore me and pursue someone who exhibits major red flags but I’m worried that “how to pursue someone who is not interested in you whatsoever” would be an unethical post to release)
Some easy and important green flags
They don’t have to be constantly texting you, but they should be a clear and consistent communicator
They seem self-aware: their self-narration matches the behavior that they exhibit
It’s pretty easy to schedule with them–if they agree to hang out Thursday, they show up on Thursday.
They respond to your cues and match tone–if you’re responding less warmly, or particularly warmly, you can tell that they can register your tone and behavior in an emotionally appropriate way
Their behavior, on the whole, is emotionally appropriate. They’re not crazily intense when it’s not warranted, or randomly cold/rude for no reason
They are not mean to you, ever. Also: they do not ever consciously try to make you feel bad
It’s okay if people who know them say mixed things about them or personally dislike them but you should NOT be hearing reports of extravagantly bad behavior (like, “he beat his ex-girlfriend” type stuff). Obviously if everyone really likes them that’s awesome
In a similar vein: if everyone who’s ever dated them hates them, run. Conversely, it is a huge green flag if people who’ve dated them have great things to say
They have close friends, and there are friends in their life who’ve known them for a long time
They seem to make decisions in a considered way. Like, when they describe a past decision, or contemplate a future one, it makes sense to you and roughly follows your conception of common sense logic
They relate to you in a way that suggests they have some interest or at least openness to being close
They don’t seem Particularly insecure
Common behavior I see people exhibiting despite OSTENSIBLY understanding the above green flags
Communicating in an erratic and unserious way themselves while complaining about someone else doing the same
Pursuing someone who has a known history of being extremely erratic
Pursuing someone they don’t seem to really respect (“Well, he’s insecure and a terrible communicator, but…”)
Pursuing someone who clearly does not respect them. Like at all. As a form of self-punishment
Pursuing someone who they know is a bad person with the hope of changing of them (a lot of people, unfortunately, are deeply attracted to people they think are sort of evil)
Making excuses for outrageous and rude behavior (“This is the third time she blew off dinner with me, but her job is really stressful!”)
Q&A
Q: What if I find people who are mysteriously unavailable really sexy?
A: That’s completely fine but I don’t want to hear you complaining about it.
Q: Seriously, I’m trying to change but every time I’m attracted to someone they’re either emotionally or literally unavailable. Or they’re a bad person.
A: You don’t love yourself and/or you’re not open to love.
Q: How do I change that?
A: MDMA. Therapy. Just really thoughtfully interrogating why you’re blocking love at every opportunity like a Canadian hockey goalie and whether that’s a reasonable way to behave and how you could behave differently.
Q: How can you say that I’m not open to love when I consciously really want a relationship and am expending extreme effort on it?
A: It’s best to model it as “part of you really wants love and part of you really doesn’t and the part of you that doesn’t is winning.” Now, this could change at any point, but you do have to change it.