love and war

Cecily Brown, Girl on a Swing, 2004

We’re not alike. You’re fascinated by optionality, I’m fascinated by recursion. When I was 21, I thought: I’ve pretty much met everyone I’m ever going to love. I was mostly right, though there have been a couple exceptions.

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Equanimity is hard because I wake up in the morning and promise I’ll be nice to you, then by noon I’m biting back my frustration. I guess I’ve learned a thing or two through the years, however. What I’ve learned is: calm down. I believe that close relationships are where we’re most challenged, and I find ours—well—incredibly challenging. We are similar, which makes our disagreements all the more painful.

The most annoying aspects of my personality are that I’m incredibly stubborn and totally convinced I’m right. Also I’m very emotionally driven, but it’s undergirded by practicality. I might tell you I want to rely on you, and mean it, but I have no idea how to rely on anyone. I’ve always met my own needs.