one weird relationship tip

it works!

Gunther Forg, Untitled, 2007,

Whether you’re chatting with someone at a party for the first time or meeting up with your boyfriend, you should always take a few minutes to explicitly locate where the other person is. For a new person, this might involve asking a few questions about their background, their week, their day—not interrogating them, but trying to figure out the basics of who they are and how they’re feeling. For someone you know really well, you’re mostly trying to ascertain their state. Are they excited? Are they impatient? Are they angry? Are they calm? Did something particularly notable happen at work today?

This sounds incredibly basic, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t do it. Most of us are constantly consumed by our own thoughts and states—the horrible thing that happened to you at work, for instance, or the fun plan you want to propose for dinner. And most of the time that works out fine, but if you’ve ever realized mid-conversation that the person you’re talking to is actually incredibly annoyed by the way you’re yammering on, you might understand why a quick check-in can help. You don’t even have to ask them any explicit questions—literally just focus on them and try to notice their affect.

There are many people who have no idea how to locate anyone pretty much ever. Is this girl interested in me? Does my coworker hate me? Why does my friend seem annoyed at me? Has my spouse had a bad month… maybe even a bad year? Though sometimes people behave in inexplicable ways, most of the time their motivations and moods can be pretty accurately diagnosed by Mr. Occam’s Razor. Does the girl like you? Well, if you don’t feel comfortable directly asking, just move slightly closer to her and see if she subtly but perceptibly scoots away. Why does your friend seem annoyed? Well, search through your memory and see if you’ve done anything annoying recently.