some things I learned about love this year

+ my favorite books and movies of the year

Edward Hopper, California Hills, 1957

Sometimes you just have to aim for minimum viable friendship.

I think a lot of times people try to be the “perfect” friend and instead end up totally disappearing because they’ve made showing up so complicated. I suggest instead adopting the minimum viable friendship model where you actually 1) talk to someone somewhat regularly and 2) stay in their life instead of failing to fulfil grand aspirations and running away. Friendship can be as easy or hard as you want to be! Some things I try to keep in mind:

1. Replying late is better than never replying. Okay, you know how sometimes you don’t answer an email for six months and you’re just like, maybe I just have to feel bad about this forever because it’s too late to fix it? Texting can be like that, too. But I’m here to say: it’s totally okay to send a horrifically late text. Just let it fly and tell yourself it’s perfectly fine if the other person never gets back to you, you just have to do it to clear your conscience. And most of the time the conversation just picks right back up and you’re in the clear.

2. Say the imperfect thing

   Related: don’t fall in the trap of being like “I’ll figure out the right thing to say later” and never replying. Just take a minute to compose the best message you can in the moment.

3. We weren’t designed for constant texting

   I just don’t really think my brain was built to handle multiple 24/7 constantly unfolding conversations. There seem to be two camps when it comes to this: people who agree with me and are like “texting is the bane of my existence” and people who are like “Ava, I think you’re avoidant. Consider fixing your personality.” Now, I don’t expect anyone to necessarily sympathize with my textual challenges, but nevertheless I’m always looking for new ways to cope. Things I find helpful:

   1. Group texts. I’ve heard this from other people as well: group texts can feel like less pressure than one-on-one text conversations.

   2. Take 10 minutes a day to reply to messages that you feel extreme shame for not responding to. This one needs no explanation.

   3. Phone calls. I used to be afraid of phone calls, but with help from some friends I’ve adapted and now consider them a great way to catch up :)

   4. Hanging out in person. I generally find it easiest to text about actually meeting up. I also enjoy planning group trips, or even one-on-one travel with my friends!

4. Find ways to see each other regularly that don’t feel high-effort.

   Whether it’s workout classes, running, coworking, or hanging out at each other’s apartments, I find that it makes it way easier to see someone a lot if you have certain designated things you like to do together. It’s the friendship equivalent to a favorite date spot :)

5. Vulnerability is a skill.

   You can teach yourself to be vulnerable and open with the people you love even if it’s not natural to you. Just take it one step at a time.

It’s okay for someone you love to get mad at you. That doesn’t mean they’ll abandon you and/or think you’re a bad person forever.

Conflict has always been extremely anxiety-inducing for me. Most of my friends have never argued with me because I’m quite conflict-avoidant, but I’ve been told I can be an unpleasant person to fight with. I blame four years of high school debate! My mom had a short temper when she was younger, and I grew up an aspiring pacifist because rage brings out a rather ugly side of me. But as I’ve gotten older and experienced more conflict in intimate relationships I’ve realized that disagreements aren’t as scary as they initially seem. A lot of times, when someone is upset at you, they just want to be heard. So just listen to them, acknowledge what they’re feeling, and don’t immediately become defensive (challenge level for Ava: impossible). I’ve come to believe rupture and repair is a very important part of lasting friendships and romantic relationships—knowing that you can disappoint or annoy each other and still continue makes the relationship much stronger.

The circumstances can be complicated, but love is very simple and obvious.

1. If you’re like, If I work really hard, can I be into this person? … you are not into that person.

2. If someone cares about you, they’ll adapt to your needs. It might take them sometime, though.

3. Liking someone a lot is a gift.

In life and love fear is a feature, not a bug.

I often feel anxious about work. I also often feel anxious about love. The sentiment is generally something like OMG I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WHAT IF IT ALL GOES WRONG. It’s been really helpful for me to realize that’s just sort of how you’re… supposed to feel, especially when you’re trying something new. Uncertainty, doubt, dread and excitement are all part of the equation when you’re moving forward. Everything is always changing!

Find people who want to keep experimenting with you.

When I meet someone I really like, I want to keep exploring with them under any conditions possible. We tried dating and it didn’t work? Let’s be friends. We’re friends but we’re not doing a good job of seeing each other regularly? Let’s find a way to make it happen more often. It’s been really heartbreaking for me when the other person feels differently—when they’re okay with one iteration of the relationship, but would rather cut contact than try another.

A big thing I’ve learned this year is that it is really okay for other people to make their own choices, and I should feel grateful that there are people who are in it for the long haul with me. I’m about to get a matching tattoo with my friend Charlie, who I’ve known for close to 10 years, and he was reminding me that we started talking about getting matching tattoos maybe the second or third time we ever hung out. Sometimes, it takes a while for something to happen, but that’s okay. Love requires patience, bravery, and an appetite for newness.

Your parents made your triggers. Let yourself feel them fully.

Whenever I see someone post on Twitter about how they’ve achieved enlightenment through meditation, I’m always immediately want to ship them home to their parents’ house. Somehow, the more therapy I do, the more it becomes obvious to me that everything about the way I relate to other people is directly because of my parents. (Who are wonderful, by the way.) Metaphorically and literally, they are the reason why I am the way I am. When I’m with them, I really try to lean into how I feel, how each conversation and activity resonates in my body. I think it’s really common as a teenager to basically disassociate from family life in order to establish an individual sense of self, and in a way your 20s are a long homecoming.

It’s very important to have an annual post outlining all the things you appreciate. In fact, I was just reflecting yesterday that I met one of my best friends through one of these posts :)

The book I thought the most about: The Power Broker. I can’t drive on a highway without being haunted by this book. It has totally tormented me ever since I finished it. I now think about Robert Moses against my will every day of my life.

The book(s) I enjoyed the most upon reread: Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary, Middlemarch. Which suggests that if it’s not a marriage plot, I guess I just am not interested. Though I feel really happy I reread Swann’s Way—I find it really hard to read Proust because he makes me feel like I’m going crazy, but I find him relevant to absolutely everything.