Richard Diebenkorn, Landscape with Figure, 1956
HOUSEKEEPING: I have been traveling all summer and had a lot a lot of fun but I am fully back. After many DMs, I am finally bringing back subscriber matchmaking. I’m also taking on some new coaching clients. More on both this week!
Relationships are never shortcuts for personal development. “All sins are attempts to fill the void” is never truer than when it comes to romantic relationships. Don’t use another human being to anesthetize yourself.
More on shortcuts: anything that feels like a way to get out of doing the work will come back to bite you. You have to go through yourself to get anywhere good.
Focusing on what the other person is or isn’t doing is often a way out of confronting what you are or aren’t doing.
“I can’t see what could possibly make this better” as an excuse to not try things is just a method of justifying inaction.
Think about how you want to be living in five years. Are the choices you’re making today compatible with that?
It’s okay to get stuck. It’s okay to take breaks. “Sometimes human beings just have to sit in one place and hurt.”
If at all possible, try to have fun with it. Lightness is usually better than heaviness.
Love is extremely anxiety inducing for all of us. How you cope with the anxiety is what matters.
If you consistently get the same particular negative reaction from people, it’s best to model your own affect/behavior as the cause. There can be a lot of resistance to doing this because we instinctively want to justify our own behavior as a Correct and Reasonable. But being able to argue that you’re Being Reasonable will Not Get You Better Outcomes.
Being honest earlier is always better than being honest later. The more there is to say, the more daunting it feels, and the more blindsided the other person will be.
It’s unreasonable to expect someone else to anticipate all your needs if you’re not willing to articulate them. A lot of times people will assume, “Because this person loves me, they should know this situation isn’t fair/is making me unhappy.” In an ideal world that would be true, but most of the time people are consumed with their own needs and problems. They might act very differently if you speak up, or they might not, but either way you should share how you’re feeling.
Resentment is almost always the result of self-betrayal. Stop betraying yourself and see what happens.
Holding a grudge is really hard and painful. Letting go of it is liberating. Let people fail you, be mad at them for however long you need to, and then make peace with it, whether you keep them in your life or don’t.
How do I know if it’s fundamentally not right vs if I should just try harder? Generally I find that people always know which it is, they’re just not prepared for the consequences of internalizing it so they want to delay knowing until they’re ready.
You will have an infinitely better time in relationships if you can stay with the other person instead of getting lost in your own head. So much of love is just paying attention to and accurately perceiving what someone else needs.