some thoughts on friendship

+ reading recs

Albert York, Two Zinnias, from around 1965

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1. I liked how this Tiktok articulated the difference between intensity and intimacy. She says that sometimes you might run into someone who’s good at seduction because they’re comfortable with intensity, but they may not be comfortable with intimacy—the sustained discomfort of actually being close. I feel like I’ve been drawn to intensity all my life, but easing into intimacy is a much slower process. Like most people, I want to be seen as I am, but also don’t feel comfortable revealing myself.

2. In Catherine Lacey’s upcoming book, she describes a friendship as what “seemed to be the most radical and rare thing to Marie—a true marriage, a marriage without marriage.” A long friendship really is like a marriage—it takes on a shape all its own over many years, and it is an education in intimacy. Like marriage, it’s nearly impossible to know in the beginning what it will be at the end.

3. Continuing the metaphor: I saw another Tiktok about “dating for friends” and I was like—yeah, becoming friends with someone really is like dating. You get dinner, drinks, go to art galleries and on hikes, you put your best self forward, you get your hopes up, sometimes you’re disappointed, sometimes you’re thrilled. There’s this delicacy at the beginning of friendship that feels identical to dating to me—so many unanswered questions. What’s our dynamic going to be? Is this pace going to hold steady? Sometimes it takes a few months (sometimes it takes a few years!) to commit to the friendship.

4. Mixing romance with friendship is tricky. I’ve had it end both really well and terribly. Terribly meaning that we’re not friends at all anymore, which is tragic because relationships are not fungible. The thing that’s difficult about it is that people are not usually reliable narrators of what they’ll feel in the future. Someone might have every intention of staying friends with you even if dating doesn’t work out, but they might be too hurt to do that when it actually happens. Or maybe they’ll get a new boyfriend or girlfriend who disapproves of you. I think some of the best romances arise from friendships, but it’s also a common way people lose friendships.

5. For both breakups and friendship breakups you have to create your own closure. In most situations you’re not going to have a perfect conversation with the other person where they say exactly what you need to hear. You need to decide what you want to say and send it out into the world. Recently I’ve been on a reconciliation tour (AA-style, not literally AA though), and just trying to make amends with everyone who is no longer in my life. It is really fulfilling!

6. A subscriber linked me to Rega Jha’s piece on sssslow texting and I loved it. Because I am a ssslow texter! I am simultaneously working on being better (because being a good texter is way to show love!) and accepting that I just… prefer in-person hangouts or intense texting in short bursts most of the time.

7. One good argument for why everyone should matchmake more is that it’s actually really useful to like your friend’s significant other. You’re going to see a lot more of your friend if you get along great with her boyfriend and you guys can all do things as a group. If you don’t, they’re going to function more as a two-person unit and everyone becomes a little more isolated. I’m undergoing this perspective shift right now where I’ve become way more interested in the Friend Group as a unit and see group cohesion as something that’s really valuable. Like, it’s great to have multiple one-on-one friendships, that’s how I’ve operated all of my life, but in the past two years I’ve distinctly felt like I’m more in a friend blob and it’s… better?

8. I’ve been quite into the concept of Minimum Viable Friendship: in a world where there are no scripts for platonic relationships, we have to make our own. What does it take to achieve minimum viable friendship—that is, to be as close to each other as you both want to be? For some some friends, it means texting all the time and seeing each other weekly. For others, it means never texting and seeing each other occasionally. At the Interact retreat this year I gave a talk about friendship and some people brought up the idea of “once a year” friends—people you might only hang out with once or twice a year, maybe because they live in a different state or country, maybe because you guys were high school besties who are still important to each other but now live vastly different lives. I think you can feel close to people at very different levels of contact. And of course even within one friendship how much you see each other can vary a ton over the years. One of my best friends lives in Sausalito and we really don’t hang out that much considering how close we are. But we talk every day! Our equilibrium is always fluctuating and might be different a year from now, but for now we’ve found a sweet spot.

9. Asymmetric friendships are common. There’s a limit to how asymmetric ongoing romantic relationships can be, because at the end of the day in most marriages you still have to like them enough to live under the same roof. But friendships can be quite asymmetric! Last year a close friend and I were discussing how difficult it can be when one person wants to be supersupersuper close and the other person wants to be… kind of close. That’s not a terrible amount of asymmetry, but it can still feel crushing in the way all unreciprocated love does. Sometimes we really want to be close with someone, and they’re just not available, or not interested. It’s okay to admit that that hurts, even when it’s purely platonic.

10. You can just be less self-conscious. I learned this from someone close to me, who always seems so comfortable when meeting new people, and makes them feel comfortable too. I’ve long admired this quality and recently realized why he’s so good with new people: he’s totally un-self-conscious. He knows who he is, and he’s not braggy or apologetic about it. Watching him makes me realize how self-conscious I am for no reason at all, and how self-conscious most people are. Like, think about walking into a party or attending a wedding where you know nobody. For most of us, that’s really intimidating—there’s this sense of awkwardness, like what do you say, and this fear of being judged. But at the end of the day when I walk into a party literally nobody is thinking about me and most people are friendly anyway. Most of the time other people are looking to you for cues, so the best thing you can do is be cool about it.

11. For love (romantic and platonic), you sometimes just need a lot of shots on goal. It’s like the anecdote I tell about making friends in SF: I started out with 200 peers who moved to SF the same time I did, and ended up with five close friends. A lot of times people seem right but for whatever reason it just doesn’t click. The same is true of romance. That was what was discouraging when I was only setting up friends once or twice a year—I’d try once, it’d be a bust, and then I’d be like, man, maybe this is too hard. But now that I matchmake a thousand people at a time I can truly say: it’s often just a numbers game. In my own life I’ve definitely gone on dates with people who were close to right—they’re pretty much exactly what I would describe if asked to explain my time. But they just weren’t the person for me. Some people are lucky enough to meet their lifelong partners in high school, but for the rest of us, it takes some time and experimentation to find our soulmates.

Okay, monthly plug for paid subscriptions coming up. Here are some recent posts for paid subscribers you may have missed: this post on on unrequited love and being okay with one-sidedness. This post on giving up being the chill girl. And there will be an interview this weekend with someone who goes on a lot of first dates.

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Reading recommendations