the life-changing magic of being direct

some takes

Walter Swennen, Lights of Moke, 2017

I’ve been on a multi-year journey of becoming someone who’s direct. I very much grew up as a member of Guess Culture, not Ask Culture. The end result was that I got really good at guessing. Which meant I could with 90%+ accuracy predict whether I was going to get a yes or no and then I would only ask someone when I was sure I’d get a yes. Which meant I did a lot of observing, and waiting, which is probably why I became a writer (your neuroses shape your vocation, guys, so it’s not bad to be fucked up). However, my beliefs around this have changed a lot in the past five years.

What I believe now:

• It’s still worth asking for something or being direct about your feelings even if the answer is no or your directness is not well-received.

• Because sometimes the answer is, surprisingly, a yes!

• But even if it’s a no, saying what you feel is the number one way to create closure.

• Also, saying what you feel gives you more than closure—it clarifies to you who you are and what you want.

• People who are direct are generally in touch with themselves and their desires. People who are habitually indirect usually aren’t.

• This is because people who are indirect don’t have much experience with their inner world making contact with the outer world. They sit and theorize instead of saying it out loud and seeing what happens.

• Sitting there and theorizing instead of just saying what you feel is the best way to stay stuck.

• Saying it out loud forces you to get real. All the crazy thoughts in your head have to be condensed down to one set of words that you speak aloud to another human being. You don’t have the luxury of going around and around agonizing: you have to simply articulate where you’re at in the moment you’re in.

• Being able to say out loud what you want is a learnable skill 99% of the human population does not possess.

• People who are direct are honest. People who are indirect are generally dishonest by way of withholding major, relevant parts of their inner reality from the people around them.

• The feelings you suppress affect how you speak and act. The inner reality you withhold from someone else blocks the connection you can have with them. The number one reason to not keep secrets is not because they’ll be uncovered at some point, but because it’s impossible to have true connection with someone who you withhold from.

• People who are habitually indirect tend to find themselves in relationships where they always feel somewhat frustrated and somewhat misunderstood. “It’s good, but something about it is dissatisfying. Something is missing.”

• What’s missing is that you aren’t spiritually present even if you’re literally present. And I guarantee you the other person can feel it, even if they can’t articulate it, or are afraid to articulate it because they’re scared that if they push you’ll retreat even further. People are very intuitive on a subconscious level, even if they won’t let their conscious self process it.