time and finitude

+ weekly recs

I’ve been changing how I think about time. Because my schedule is so flexible, I sometimes feel like I’m swimming in it. A day can feel so long. But then I’ll look back over the past five years and they’ve passed at warp speed. I keep thinking: have I been living with enough respect for my own mortality?

Every week I try to buy a new bouquet of flowers. A year is only 52 sets of flowers. That feels like barely anything. Once a year passes, you never get it again. And we only get so many years.

Again: have I been living with enough respect for my own mortality?

During our youth we subconsciously believe we are immortal. I used to feel like there was so much time. And there is. But it’s far from infinite. I wouldn’t describe myself as passive, but I realize now that I want to be even more active. I want to spend every day the way I want to, with the people I want to. I want to work on whatever I want to, with the seriousness it deserves.

I want to be more appreciative. And I want to be more serious. I was chatting with Sasha on Friday (podcast will be out next week!) and he said that if he dropped dead right now his life could be accurately described as a very rich one. Full of experiences, full of relationships. I think that’s true of me, and I feel very grateful. But I’ve been thinking lately that if I suddenly died tomorrow, I’d be like… hold on a minute. There were some things I really wanted to get to! I want to get to them a little sooner.