Charlene von Heyl, Poetry Machine #4, 2020
Matchmaking thousand(s) of people is quite nerve-wracking. For instance, I have (accidentally) set up more than one person with their ex (which—I mean—you could take as solid evidence that the values-based approach works). When people are ghosted by other people, I feel terrible about their negative experience. And of course, many report that they simply have no chemistry with their romantic match, or don’t particularly vibe with their platonic one. Needless to say, there is a lot of failure. However—though we are only two batches in and it’s too early to report results from the second one, I am pleased to officially announce that there are multiple couples that have arisen from the first batch!
(For those of you who don’t know, I run a matchmaking experiment where people answer a 70-question questionnaire and we match them with two people they’re most compatible with. The idea is that people text and meet without knowing what the other person looks like. We’ve done two batches and I think we’ll likely do a third!)
It seems vaguely miraculous to me that I have managed to connect people who don’t know anything about each other, not even appearance, and some of them like each other enough to date!! It’s so thrilling thing. And of course I have to thank Sophia for making the data science part of it happen. Once we get more reports back from the second batch, I’ll write up some lengthier reflections. But I was really happy to receive this DM last night:
Even though there are lots of kinks to work through, it makes me feel like we’re on the right track!
For now, here are interviews/testimonials from two of the people who reported that they are in a relationship with someone they met on Bookbear Matchmaking:
Person A
Jeff is 31 years old and works as a data analyst. Jamie is 32 and works as a product manager. Since Jeff was part of the first batch, he contacted Jamie initially through email. They emailed extensively for a week before meeting up. They hung out for the entire day, went a bookstore in Brooklyn and walked around the park.
Ava: What did you guys talk about?
Jeff: Books, ideas, past relationships, things we were looking forward to. We got deep really quick. She would probably refer to it as “penetrating each other’s souls.”
Jeff describes to himself as a slow processor, and said he was overwhelmed by the intensity of their connection. He had just moved to the city and gotten out of a previous relationship, so he wasn’t really looking for a romantic connection. He signed up for fun, and was more banking on connecting with his platonic matches. However, he instantly felt drawn to Jamie.
Ava: Would you say this person is your “usual type?”
Jeff: Yes, I think that if I met her in person at a writing event or bookstore, which would be the most likely place we would meet, I would probably try to talk to her. I’m not a big dating app user so I’m not sure about that, but I think we would’ve swiped right on each other.
Ava: How has the relationship been going?
Jeff: This relationship has triggered some of the same attachment stuff as past relationships, so there’s been a lot to work through. We’ve been super open about communicating about everything, and that’s really helped.
Jeff and Jamie both write—she writes fiction and he writes more nonfiction—so that element of their connection has helped.
Ava: How do you think meeting through this experiment changed how you guys approach the relationship?
Jeff: I felt like we were more open because we knew we were both in this experiment together. The relationship moved pretty fast and we both very quickly agreed we wouldn’t see other people.
Jeff believes that the relationship has been successful so far because they were both very interesting and curious about the other person.
Ava: What do you think we could change to make the matchmaking better?
Jeff: Maybe more questions about dating intentions and whether you’re looking for a longterm/serious relationship.
Person B
Liam is 44 years old and works in education. The person he’s dating, Sarah, is 40 and also works in education. Liam actually does not read Bookbear Express (lol) and found this through the SFGate article. He actually also does not live in San Francisco—he lives about 45 minutes away. However, he frequently comes into the city.
Liam quit using dating apps in January because he found them too toxic.
Ava: What do you mean by too toxic?
Liam: Feels like everything wasn’t perfect upfront on the first date, people’s mentality was like, The ideal person is just a swipe away.
For their first date, Liam and Sarah met up for ice cream despite neither for them particularly liking ice cream. He says they had good conversations and enjoyed each other’s company. They followed the instructions (thank you!) and did not look each other up, but Sarah’s roommate actually knew someone who worked with Liam, and he reported Liam was a good guy and that she should give him a chance.
Ava: Would you say this person is your usual type? Would you have matched on a dating app?
Liam: Yes, we’re similar to each other, but there are enough differences to make it interesting and exciting. I plan to never use a dating app again in my life, so I can’t comment on the dating app part.
Ava: What are the things you two have in common?
Liam: We’re both in education, both health-conscious, she’s got an open personality but knows her boundaries and I’m the same way.
Apparently the two of them sometimes have uncanny similar opinions and will joke to each other that Bookbear Matchmaking really knows what they’re doing (we’re figuring it out!)
Since they don’t live in the same city, he mostly drives to her and sometimes she drives to him.
I asked him if they both were looking for the same thing and he said they both agreed on what they weren’t looking for—they weren’t looking for a fling, and he was definitely hoping for something lasting.
Ava: What could be better about the matchmaking process?
Liam: I was ghosted by a couple of platonic matches after we’d decided the place and time, which was frustrating. One of my romantic matches (before I met Sarah) told me she didn’t want to meet up because she wasn’t looking for something serious.
Liam is divorced and has been in two long-term relationships in the past decade. He commented that this whole experience felt to him like traditional matchmaking, what the world or even Americans used to do in the pre-internet days, when a family member or a friend would say, hey, I met this person, and you should go get dinner with them.
Weekly recommendations
Evana’s beautiful essay on love:
“On New Year's, we sat holding each other’s hands on the back patio in freezing darkness. We were buzzing with chemicals, natural and synthetic. I had to will myself not to tell you I was in love with you. My head on your shoulder, your voice etching its way through my skin. I feel like I’ve known you my entire life.10 Our whole life flashed before my eyes. I pictured us as children running through the woods around my childhood home. I pictured us as eighty-five with our grown children and their children. As I dreamed with you beside me, I swore you’d be able to read my mind. “
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