what secure attachment could do for you

(aspirational)

Guy Bourdin, Charles Jourdan, Spring 1978

• Security is the rejection of solipsism. Imagine what you could do and feel if you actually thought it wasn’t about you.

• Because of course you affect other people, but at the end of the day their behavior isn’t a verdict on your worth. So it’s okay for someone to ignore you, or say no, or be moody. You could just think: they’re busy. You could ask them to communicate differently, knowing that they might not want to, and that’s okay.

• You could even presume that if there was actually a problem, it might be on them to verbalize it, though maybe you should ask.

• You would be allowed to want things, even things that other people in your life don’t approve of. That doesn’t mean you’ll actually get them, but you’d be allowed to think: I want this. You would be able to want things without a crushing feeling of guilt.

• Because you would know where you ended and someone else started. You would have a feeling of solidity, you would know how to be a good animal and take care of your own needs. And once you took care of your own needs, you could extend yourself to others.

• You could be consistent, because you would have a stable and boundaried sense of self. You wouldn’t have to act in an erratic or secretive way to fulfil your needs, because you could be honest about where you were and how you were actually feeling.

• You could say the thing you want to say, knowing you won’t get a perfect response. You could tell your ex you were sorry for how you treated them. You could tell your estranged friend you miss them and they were a vital part of your formative years. Because your ability to feel okay would not be totally dependent on how someone else responds to you.

• It would be okay for people to not like you, or really dislike you, or just not get it. Because fundamentally, not everything’s about you. You could try your best to communicate your point of view, knowing you won’t always succeed.

• You could like yourself. Not because of your appearance, your achievements, or even your treatment of others but simply because this is the body and psyche you get to inhabit in this life.

• You wouldn’t only feel as safe as your last interaction with someone. You could hold a holistic view of how someone behaves towards you in your head and nervous system, instead of presuming that every message might be the last message.