what unclenching feels like for me

Edouard Vuillard, Breakfast at Villerville, 1910

I really love Jonny Miller’s website/essay about How to Unclench, and I wanted to share my own observations of periods when I notice myself being less clenched. Broadly speaking I’ve become a lot more open and less anxious over the past several years, but like everyone sometimes I go through periods of intense stress and experience distinct behavioral changes

When I’m not braced or minimally braced, I:

• notice less tension in my face and body. The areas around my scapulae and hips are less chronically tight, and my brow is not furrowed. During periods of intense stress I notice that the last thing that happens before I go to bed is I completely relax my forehead

• my stomach and skin are less irritated

• am more drawn to intellectually demanding reading/work—if I’m not stressed I’m more likely to randomly pick up Moby Dick, if I’m clenched you best believe I’m reading some romantasy before bed

• engage in compulsive behaviors less—less scrolling on social media, less mindlessly buying things, less eating/drinking to soothe myself

• generally less fixated on or distressed by current events, can consume the discourse and even enjoy it without being emotionally triggered

• procrastinate less, actually reply to texts in a semi-reasonable amount of time, do chores/logistical stuff way before I need to, have the emotional bandwidth to grapple with writing things I feel stuck on instead of pushing it aside

• paradoxically notice much more when I’m triggered, if I’m tensing during a social interaction or am bothered by something someone said. Am better at relaxing into the trigger rather than hardening against it

• am much more sensitive to how it feels to be in other people’s presence. More aware of their microexpressions, tone of voice, body language

• better at nondoing, I almost never feel “bored” when I’m relaxed, whereas I have a constant need to occupy myself when I’m clenched

• don’t feel the need to micromanage or control things and have a much more “Let me figure out the correct amount to do to prepare and we’ll see what happens” approach. This generally turns out better.

• fall asleep quickly, stay asleep, wake up feeling alert. When I’m stressed the first thing that goes for me is sleep—I have weird dreams, wake up in the middle of the night, can’t fall asleep, stay asleep, etc

• ruminate less. A big sign of clenching for me is returning to the same topic over and over again and turning it over for hours

• can be deeply engaged with something without being obsessive/hypervigilant about it. For example, talking to someone a lot without being paranoid about how quickly or slowly they respond to me

• actively want to work out. When I’m stressed forcing myself to put on sneakers and go for a run feels like lifting a 50-lb boulder. When I’m relaxed I want to work out every day or every other day

• am more sociable, initiate hangouts more

• … but also am more independent in the sense that I don’t reflexively reach for other people to regulate myself or make me feel better

• I notice that people look at my face more and for longer when I’m less stressed. I think it’s an openness/facial tension thing

• tend to be less preoccupied with meta/existential questions, more present-minded

• when contemplating something unpleasant I have to do, feel more neutral/curious about it (“I wonder what’s the best way to get through this”) instead of anticipating it with active dread

• I’m more verbally expressive and I volunteer things about myself. When I’m clenched sharing anything vulnerable feels pulling teeth and I tend to stick to safe topics or Things One Must Talk About

• I’m more creative, I have ideas for how to work through existing problems or ideas for new things I want to do

• more conscientious, tend to be more preoccupied with thoughts of “what’s the best practice here” and less in survival mode

• effort is a continuous thread through a lot of this—when I’m clenched everything that’s mildly effortful for me by default becomes extremely effortful. It’s hard to work out, it’s hard to do chores, it’s hard to hang out in groups, it’s hard to text back, it’s hard to spend evenings alone… everything feels more grind-y. When I’m relaxed I flow through a lot more of my life.

• this may be specific to my job lol but I write a lot more when I’m unclenched

• there’s a feeling of spaciousness when I’m unclenched that I feel as both a physical and emotional thing. Literally feels like there’s more air in the room

• am excited to wake up every morning