Hi! 20% off subscriptions ends in the next 24 hrs. I do this when I remember to… which ends up being twice a year? It’s a great time to convert to a paid subscription!
I’ve been thinking about the difference between “alive obligations” and “dead obligations.” “Alive obligations” are responsibilities that are animated by joy—I’m doing something for someone else because I love them and it feels whole and nourishing for me. “Dead obligations” feel more like I’m killing a part of myself to fulfil an obligation to someone else. One comes from a place of love, one comes from a place of guilt. If you do things because you feel guilty, you create a kind of resentment that keeps building up because you’ve killed some part of yourself you didn’t want to kill. Your conscious mind doesn’t mind, but your subconscious does. On the other hand, fulfilling responsibilities from a place of love and joy leaves you a more complete human being. It’s the difference between being fenced in by fear of ramifications vs being expanded by your love for another being.
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For a long time, I couldn’t distinguish alive obligations from dead obligations because I didn’t have a good enough sense of my own needs. If you don’t have a clear conception of what you need, you don’t know how to show up for other people without betraying yourself. Let’s use staying out late as an example. Personally, I prefer to be home and in bed by 10 PM every night, but if it’s a friend’s party or a concert just a fun night where the energy is great, I’m happy to stay out past my bedtime. But if I have a friend who’s consistently only free really late at night, it’s important for me to say, “Hey, I’m occasionally down to go out with you at 11 PM, but if we don’t find a way to sometimes hang out at 7 PM, I’m not going to be able to see you that much.”
Again, this is hard, because you have to 1) know your own desires 2) accommodate the person you care about and 3) communicate it tactfully. Most people struggle with 1), and end up in a lot of dead obligations, because they want to show up for the people they love, but they don’t understand how to do it without betraying themselves. Often, the problem is not the responsibility itself, but our interpretation of it: when we love someone we become accountable to them, but how should the accountability translate into behavior? What does it mean to be good to someone else and good to ourselves?
I’ve realized that I’m a better friend and partner when I can show up to everything earnestly. Resentment poisons everything, even when it’s not expressed—when I show up to something half in and half out because I feel like I have to, I rob myself of my ability to fully be present.
We need both freedom and responsibility. The right kind of obligation expands us, and the wrong kind of obligation contracts us. I keep trying to figure out which is which and I hope you will too.
Classifieds
Okay this is very exciting! Welcome to our first round of Bookbear Classifieds. I am experimenting with format and have decided for the first round to only post three subscribers so as to not create an overwhelmingly long post and include photos since some people generously sent them in. But I will be continuing to iterate and am open to feedback!! Reminder that if you want to send in yours you can email me at avabearexpress@gmail.com
Without further ado:
Randa, 29W loves - surfing perfect 4-foot waves - attending open mics and witnessing the full range of human emotion - riffing - the feeling of satisfaction when i finish a book that was low key difficult
hates - being obligated to stay inside when it’s nice out - workaholism unless it’s something REALLY good for the world - when people refuse to participate for fear of embarrassing themselves - glass half empty mfers
looking for - a witty guy who loves or at least tolerates the beach (i get sand everywhere)
Hey ladies, I’m Grant. Welcome to my dating advertisement. I’m a software engineer at a self-driving car startup, and I live in San Francisco. I’m 24 and male. I went to school at the University of Texas at Austin and listen to indie folk and rock music. I love endurance sports (like cycling and marathon running), dogs, and the writings of Haruki Murakami and John Green (and Ava from Bookbear Express, of course).
I’m looking for a long-term relationship with a woman who is spontaneous, fiercely competitive, and above all, kind. If this sounds like you, then let’s grab coffee sometime.
You can contact Grant at grant.skaggs@outlook.com.
name: lulu, 34w
~100 words about you and what you’re looking for: if friends word clouded me: curious, creative, thoughtful, self-aware, courageous, playful. a really good day includes a mix of the following: time in nature; writing; reading; movement like yoga or dance; and quality time with loved ones, whether cooking a nourishing meal, having ~deep~ conversations, or being derpy and laughing at ourselves.
i’m looking for someone who's working on himself and ready to build a life together surrounded by friends and community. you’re open to having kids, with the right partner (including potentially adopting). you value creative expression, beauty, and balance in most things. we share a sense of humor and play!
Yeah love this. Though it's not the same thing, it reminds me of Heide Priebe's distinction between Growing Pain and Shrinking Pain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWEB3jfeBzc
Neengalla yaru? Ivvalo naal enga irundheenga? That is my reaction in my native language after reading your article!!