"But maybe they didn’t know that because we never talked about it, or maybe they saw it a different way. Am I allowed to ask them to come back? Am I allowed to be mad? It’s hard when there’s nothing in our culture that tells me what to do."
I lost a decade-old friendship once because she ghosted me after attempting to talk it through. That hurt because she was willing to set aside our friendship, but sometimes I think its my fault because that was our first attempt at conflict handling & we never truly talked about the hard things or grudges that built up. Your writing really articulates well why people value romantic relationships so much more over platonic ones.
I think some friendships should be easy (e.g., loose, light), close friendships should be easy but still weighty (being with them is comforting and easy, yet they still challenge you; these are the ones that have ups and downs), but I don't believe a friendship should be always hard. Personally, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and have been stuck in too many difficult friendships that never got easy again. It's okay to let go of a friend -- yes it is sad, but sometimes it is necessary :')
"For many people, friendship’s appeal lies in its relative lack of complications." I like the way you put this. I never thought about it deeply, but it's something that rings true for me. You still expect certain things from friendships, but it's easier to say 'different people for different seasons' and let go of friendships vs. romantic relationships.
"...the right people will follow you into the water and teach you how to swim."
Ugh... so much to be said about the amount of raw courage it takes to continue moving deeper into the water. It makes me think about how it's such "common knowledge" that ~relationships take work~ and ~love is scary~ and yet, one's devotion is truly tested in this moment of treading water, where you move from thinking about love cognitively to having to experience it emotionally/spiritually. So, so much courage in following someone into the water, trusting in the devotion they've promised, and only then finding out whether they will also have the courage to stay and teach you how to swim.
I made a new best friend during the Pandemic in my 30s in another country! Gasp, I know!
Same person who shared this SubStack with me 🥰
I’ve always wanted a deep friendship and wasn’t sure it was possible as I got older until we had our first challenge in friendship. A “fight” if you will. We had a meeting “eye-to-eye” conversation about it afterwards.
Ever since then, and many fun meetups later, I knew we could meet each other in a place of empathic understanding. That this could be a person who could stand the test of time with me as a friend.
Our friendship is living proof that friendship can look whatever and however (for me) 🥰💕
My ideal for friendship is similar to yours. I haven't had a lot of closeness in my life. I think it's absolutely essential to have people you can lean on, who are okay with that, and who will accept the favor back. But we live in a commodification culture, and I think many people assign either therapy or specifically their partner to that emotional support role. Therapists are theoretically vetted by the system and can be hired and fired. And people already trust their partners - so why take the time to find a friend one can trust that much, instead of leaning on that one relationship for every need?
"But maybe they didn’t know that because we never talked about it, or maybe they saw it a different way. Am I allowed to ask them to come back? Am I allowed to be mad? It’s hard when there’s nothing in our culture that tells me what to do."
I lost a decade-old friendship once because she ghosted me after attempting to talk it through. That hurt because she was willing to set aside our friendship, but sometimes I think its my fault because that was our first attempt at conflict handling & we never truly talked about the hard things or grudges that built up. Your writing really articulates well why people value romantic relationships so much more over platonic ones.
I think some friendships should be easy (e.g., loose, light), close friendships should be easy but still weighty (being with them is comforting and easy, yet they still challenge you; these are the ones that have ups and downs), but I don't believe a friendship should be always hard. Personally, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and have been stuck in too many difficult friendships that never got easy again. It's okay to let go of a friend -- yes it is sad, but sometimes it is necessary :')
"For many people, friendship’s appeal lies in its relative lack of complications." I like the way you put this. I never thought about it deeply, but it's something that rings true for me. You still expect certain things from friendships, but it's easier to say 'different people for different seasons' and let go of friendships vs. romantic relationships.
🫶🏻🫶🏻
"...the right people will follow you into the water and teach you how to swim."
Ugh... so much to be said about the amount of raw courage it takes to continue moving deeper into the water. It makes me think about how it's such "common knowledge" that ~relationships take work~ and ~love is scary~ and yet, one's devotion is truly tested in this moment of treading water, where you move from thinking about love cognitively to having to experience it emotionally/spiritually. So, so much courage in following someone into the water, trusting in the devotion they've promised, and only then finding out whether they will also have the courage to stay and teach you how to swim.
I made a new best friend during the Pandemic in my 30s in another country! Gasp, I know!
Same person who shared this SubStack with me 🥰
I’ve always wanted a deep friendship and wasn’t sure it was possible as I got older until we had our first challenge in friendship. A “fight” if you will. We had a meeting “eye-to-eye” conversation about it afterwards.
Ever since then, and many fun meetups later, I knew we could meet each other in a place of empathic understanding. That this could be a person who could stand the test of time with me as a friend.
Our friendship is living proof that friendship can look whatever and however (for me) 🥰💕
My ideal for friendship is similar to yours. I haven't had a lot of closeness in my life. I think it's absolutely essential to have people you can lean on, who are okay with that, and who will accept the favor back. But we live in a commodification culture, and I think many people assign either therapy or specifically their partner to that emotional support role. Therapists are theoretically vetted by the system and can be hired and fired. And people already trust their partners - so why take the time to find a friend one can trust that much, instead of leaning on that one relationship for every need?
This is too gooodd
<3