Hi Bear, I’m in a happy relationship with my girlfriend of five years yet engagement scares me. We have a great relationship and few problems, yet I can’t help but wonder/realize that there are infinite other relationships I could be having. Some of them which would be equally good/better. How do you deal with the secretary problem as someone who is an optimizer? I know the famous advice blog post ‘the truth that lives here’ with the advice ‘just leave’ but that doesn’t feel right either—we have something great. Part of me thinks the issue is that I should commit more, the other part is scared to commit more and make an irreversible mistake.
It's great to hear advice I don't tear my hair out at. Here's my 2 cents that ava doesn't mention:
It doesn't seem like you're actually seeing anything better. There is a difference between running towards something better and away from something. It's not that one is better than the other, but watching out when you feel this way would help, I think. Is it an escape from confronting and fixing the problems? Or is there something unfixable.
In our world of infinite choices, i understand how limitless the ceiling can seem. But optimising doesn't always mean optimising between choices. It also means optimising the choice you made. Doing the thing well often matters more than what thing you do. Besides, that's the only way you'll know if you should switch.
wow this is a sweet response. I recently listened to a podcast with Lori Gottlieb with the Diary of a CEO. The things you thought you want in a partner is not always what you need - for eg, only finding partner who makes equal to or more to you means that both of you will be busy and work occupied etc.
I needed to read this. The choice to leave a long term relationship is one of the hardest ever. I am stuck in a similar place and this advice is more helpful than almost any other advice I have attempted to seek out.
I would also recommend that one think about compatibility in a different way. Re this video
It's great to hear advice I don't tear my hair out at. Here's my 2 cents that ava doesn't mention:
It doesn't seem like you're actually seeing anything better. There is a difference between running towards something better and away from something. It's not that one is better than the other, but watching out when you feel this way would help, I think. Is it an escape from confronting and fixing the problems? Or is there something unfixable.
In our world of infinite choices, i understand how limitless the ceiling can seem. But optimising doesn't always mean optimising between choices. It also means optimising the choice you made. Doing the thing well often matters more than what thing you do. Besides, that's the only way you'll know if you should switch.
Do you believe in soulmates?
wow this is a sweet response. I recently listened to a podcast with Lori Gottlieb with the Diary of a CEO. The things you thought you want in a partner is not always what you need - for eg, only finding partner who makes equal to or more to you means that both of you will be busy and work occupied etc.
Lovely answer. The questions you pose are helpful for other areas of life too.
I needed to read this. The choice to leave a long term relationship is one of the hardest ever. I am stuck in a similar place and this advice is more helpful than almost any other advice I have attempted to seek out.
I would also recommend that one think about compatibility in a different way. Re this video
https://youtu.be/7VSwx-B8HPw?si=slDYi96wvcVzjIaO