how to be happy in san francisco

some ideas

My friend Luke was the one who introduced me to the concept of “learning how to be happy in a city.” According to him, thriving in any particular city is not just about the city itself, but developing a set of routines that allow you personally to have a good time. This ties into the neighborhood idea that we’ve talked about a bit on this Substack—neighborhoods are more important to your wellbeing than the city as a whole, since you’ll be spending the majority of your time in one neighborhood. Anyway, I went to a retreat last week where I was around a bunch of people who were new to SF, and it got me thinking: how did I learn to be happy in the city?

1. Take up some kind of outdoor activity

The whole point of living in California is to enjoy being outside. The Bookbear Demographic Survey (results of which will *finally* be shared this week) revealed to me that running is the most popular workout for you guys. I, also, quite enjoy running! I also like hiking, biking, and walking.

I recommend having one activity you do every day or every other day, one activity you do once a week, and one you do once a month :)

2. Find three favorite coffee shops

In my opinion it’s very important to have one coffee shop you like that’s <5 minutes away, one that’s <10 minutes away, and one that’s exactly ~30 minutes away, for days when you feel up to a leisurely walk. Some that I personally enjoy include Stable Cafe, Sightglass, Reveille, Matching Half, and Mercury Cafe.

I read a life tip recently that said you should tip 25% at all the institutions you patronize daily so the people who work there will think you’re polite. This may bankrupt you with SF latte prices being what they are, but I do try to do it since I really appreciate that most SF cafes have a very lax dog policy.

My favorite part of my day is often the 10 to 20 minutes I sit at my go-to cafe reading on my phone and sipping whatever flavored latte they have that season.

3. Join a yoga studio!

If you read this Substack there’s a good chance you’re pretty neurotic. In fact, the Bookbear Demographic Survey revealed to me that an overwhelming percentage of you guys identify as being more in your head than in your body. The survey also revealed to me that a lot of you guys already do yoga. So for those of you who don’t—get it together! Haum in the Mission is really nice and they also have a location near Flywheel Coffee.

4. Find about 20 people you like. You only have to be close friends with like three of them

Someone once said to me, “San Francisco is an amazing place to live if you already have an established friend group and you and all of your friends just decide to settle down there forever. It’s not such a great place to meet new people.” I think those are wise words—SF isn’t really a “going out” city (or at least I haven’t found it to be that way, YMMV), and the house party circuit can get a little dispiriting. However—there are lots of wonderful people here and lots of ways to meet them, and once you’re happily entrenched in a friend group it’s an awesome city to be in.

Of course, there are many ways to meet friends: house parties (the most obvious ones). Fitness classes. Coworking spaces. Special interest groups. Talking to strangers at bars and restaurants if you’re brave enough. My life pro tip personally is to befriend one extreme extrovert and steal all of their friends (thanks, 2016 era Dave).

Here are some ideas for things you can do with those friends you’ve worked so hard to acquire: go to Zuni Cafe and get the balsamic bloody mary. Take very long walks uphill. Wander around the Marina/Fillmore Street/Valencia and poke your head into shops. Eat marshmallows at Dandelion Chocolate. Go for a run through Golden Gate Park. Drive to Mill Valley. Eat at Cotogna (impossible at dinnertime, easy at lunch). Get a cocktail at True Laurel or Laszlo with three or four of your friends. Meet someone’s parents at Foreign Cinema. Go on a hunt for the best burger in the city. Go to Pilates (literally impossible to book so good luck). Buy a book at Green Apple Books or Dog-Eared Books.

5. Buy a windbreaker. And several cozy sweaters.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll spend your first couple (more than couple, honestly) years in San Francisco constantly the wrong temperature. Picture a balmy summer day. You might go to your friend’s backyard wearing a cute little sundress and cardigan and stay outside until the evening. Then when you’re walking home from dinner you’ll be swearing under your breath because it’s dropped 12 degrees and your legs are freezing. Never make that mistake! These days I generally go around with a roomy bag that I can stuff a sweater in (or a rain jacket, if we’re talking December weather). A lot of the time you won’t use the sweater, but you’ll really appreciate it when you do.

6. Your neighborhood really matters

Several years ago, I lived in Glen Park. It was a very beautiful area of the city, but I could never go running without at some point running up a giant hill. So I simply… stopped running until I moved. These days I live beside a gigantic park, and I could never quit running simply because the call of the park is too tempting. See what I mean?

Another example: my friend, J, had a negative impression of San Francisco that I have been fighting to correct. This was largely because he commuted into the city every week for work, and the office was in Union Square. If that was my entire experience of SF, I would dislike it too.

I really love the neighborhood I live in now, mostly because multiple friends live within a 10 minute walk of me. Don’t underestimate the power of living near your friends! I gave a talk on friendship recently and someone asked me alternatives to one-on-one dinner hangouts. Walking, running, coworking, or just reading at a cafe are ones that immediately came to mind, and they’re all so much easier if you live a two-minute walk away from your friends. I can’t recommend it enough.

7. Pastries

I really don’t eat that many pastries and felt like a poser writing this so I asked Chris to chime in:

“San Francisco has much of the world’s best food, most of which is commensurately expensive. More accessible, however, and arguably more exceptional—are some of the world’s best pastries, which will be your frequent companion on sunny afternoon strolls.

Sometimes people say that San Francisco has the best croissants outside Paris. That’s not true—they’re better than Paris (though arguably worse than Tokyo.) There are so many incredible bakeries in this city that in my pastry group chats, we struggle to keep track even of some award winners.

You should strive to try enough baked goods at enough locations that you can proclaim your tastes boldly.

For example: Tartine (on 19th only) does the best ham and cheese croissant in the city; Juniper makes the best croissant sandwich; Arsicault makes the best plain kouign amann; B. Patisserie makes the best flavored kouign amann; Le Dix-Sept makes the best cannelé; Maison Nico has the best terrines. In order to not steal the excitement of the hunt, I have not named the best plain croissant in the city—you’ll have to find it yourself.”

7. Get a dog

Okay, perhaps this is controversial. But owning a dog (well, two) has really increased my quality of life! I’m forced to literally touch grass 5x a day, no matter how grumpy I am. There are some really wonderful dog parks in SF, and visiting them consistently is sure to lift your spirits. Also, starting your day with a long walk is a ritual that everyone should be participating in whether they have a dog or not. In my opinion, having a dog is like having a best friend who looks like a stuffed animal, loves you unconditionally, and is always in a good mood. What’s not to love? Also I literally meet a million people a day because of my dogs. Like, no joke, I have about five to ten conversations with strangers every day. SF is an extremely dog-friendly city. You can walk for many miles with your dog and if you have a car you can take them on dog-friendly hikes all around the Bay Area. And if you’re a woman living alone having a big dog increases my general sense of safety, even though he’s not very threatening.

Despite having dog(s), I still travel quite often and see friends. I could stay out late if I wanted to, but I’m passionate about sleeping and generally in bed by 10:30 so that’s not too relevant. All the time I look over at my dog(s) and think: I treasure every day of my life that I get to spend with you! I hope you live forever! Then I cry a little bit, no joke.

8. Specifically take up biking

Okay, I’m also not an expert on this one (though I do really enjoy biking) so I asked Andrew to comment.

“San Francisco is the most beautiful place to ride a bike. It is not, however, a forgiving city to be a beginner. First, the basics. You need a bike. You should learn how to clip and unclip from your pedals before taking on the stoplights and the hills. You need to find the best route from your house to the Golden Gate Bridge. You need to learn how to brave the bridge traffic -- tourists taking one-handed selfies on rental bikes, the Pas Normal crowd, the families who park themselves right next to the pylons.

Once you get over the bridge (feel free to let loose a few curse words across the way) you'll find yourself in Paradise. Literally there's a ride right there called Paradise Loop. Go try Hawk Hill and the Marin Headlands, Alpine Dam and the Seven Sisters, BoFax. Go south and test yourself on Old La Honda, King's Mountain, Tunitas Creek.

If you're anything like me, you'll buy a gravel bike, a mountain bike, a better road bike, another mountain bike, download Strava, start taking summer trips to Mendocino and Santa Cruz and Tahoe, watch bootleg illegal streams of random tier 2 pro cycling races at 5am on Tiz-Cycling, monitor the wind forecast for KOM attempts, convince yourself you need an indoor trainer and start racing on Zwift, schedule a summer trip to France or Spain or Italy, shave your legs. You'll generally lose any sense of what is "normal" for a fitness-oriented hobby, all because San Francisco is the most beautiful place to ride a bike (it really is). I can't recommend it enough.”

9. Explore the San Francisco art scene!

I’ve interfaced with the SF art scene a little bit through my friends, but wanted to defer to Charlie who in fact spends much of his time making really cool art:

“San Francisco doesn't have the fine art scene of NYC or Chicago, but it is the nation’s hub for "big art" - the kind of interactive monumental sculpture popularized by Burning Man. The pieces are largely built by volunteers, with no art degree or work experience required, and a single piece might involve over a hundred volunteers.

This art scene is enabled by San Francisco’s shared maker and art spaces, of which there are many. The largest industrial art warehouses are sadly dying out due to gentrification, and only one large-scale space remains in the city: The Box Shop, a wild west metal shop for the kind of art that can only be made without rules. Countless works of public and festival art have been made at the Box Shop since it opened 25 years ago, but it’s due to lose its current home by the end of the year. It’s my favorite place in the city, and the monthly open house is worth a visit to explore this chaotic art wonderland before it disappears.

A big art build gives you an incredible sense of accomplishment and competence, and plenty of new friends bonded over late nights at the shop. Collectives like the Flaming Lotus Girls will take all comers: even if you’ve never touched a drill in your life, FLG can teach you shop skills and get you contributing to one of their large steel fire-shooting sculptures. Or find another build going on at The Box Shop, Seaport Studios, or The Upside—there is always art to be made.”

Obviously, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Please feel free to tell me your favorite ways of being happy in San Francisco!