by Carrie Moyer A couple years ago I found myself drifting away from a close friend because I realized that he always made me feel weirdly… judged. Not in the sense that I did anything to upset him, but because it felt like he was always assessing everything around him to see if it conformed to his standard of good taste
I’d love to read more about how to clearly communicate and expressing yourselves while also maintaining boundaries. That’s very rare. Great post.
Warren Buffett has a saying for what you describe: an inner scorecard. (He's way more than just business/investing! Lots of life lessons too!) Thanks!
"I'm my own competition; I'm competing with myself." - Cardi B
I love this. I am going to save it and I'll read it everyday, thank you :)
"If you’re forever looking around for validation, you’ll never be able to make anything that’s completely your own" ~ when I make something that is my own, I'm buzzing. Like I chase that feeling every time. 💜 your writing.
Most answers are found within. We have to turn off the noise sometimes so we can hear our own voice.
Some synchronicity today. I wrote "build more internally imposed causal pathways rather than solely externally imposed" as something I just recognized about my default behavior and wanted to change. More generally, it could just be stated as exactly what you've written here :)
Love everything you write!
In a world where social media bombards us to compare ourselves this one is like a breather. Using the same idea, I had written about how to value something- https://investingreel.com/2021/04/08/finding-value/
"I have a friend whose communication style I really admire: she’s clear, emotionally honest, and sets great boundaries. My hope is to be like that in every important emotional encounter: to express my needs clearly, to be as honest as possible, and to make it clear what’s okay and what isn’t."
This is so what I ask of everyone I maintain a relationship with... it makes things so much easier. At the same time though, it feels somewhat unreachable. Some people want to be understood I guess? Or maybe they don't even understand themselves, their needs, their boundaries, well enough to express it to other people? Do any of us after all?
How do we detach ourselves from social evaluation? Even in the absence of others, amidst the deepest state of solitude, is there even a self that was not previously formed by our connections and the verdicts that come with them throughout our life?
There may be a nexus in this to also “not being too hard on yourself when you fail” otherwise you’ll dampen your own creativity, interested if anyone has any material on this
Live and let be
Totally agree with you. I think no one teaches us how to set goals for ourselves, how to nurture our interests and passions. Most of our childhood and early adulthood is spent following everyone else (grade after grade, our desire to belong to a group). Having sincere conversations with ourselves is frightening and not easy at the beginning.
"friends in your head" game theory.
I don't completely agree on running at your own pace. It may be better for your mental health, but undoubtedly having someone to compare with might make you push your limits further faster.
A thought inspired by Buddhism - stop judging everything by whether or not you like it.
Dodie's Hate Myself has been a huge mirror on how much I obsess over not getting "negative responses" from my partners. It was the first step: being aware of the problem.
And this essay helped me see the way forward. The next step.