Roy Oxlade, Rose and Old Clubs, 1984
If you want to be more perceptive, Occam’s Razor helps a lot. Every time someone does something you’re even slightly confused by, ask yourself, What’s the most straightforward theory for why they’re behaving like that? Why does Mary seem to dislike Jeff? Why is Tina so anxious when the subject of Jenna comes up? Why does Marissa consistently date guys who suck? The answer is usually surprisingly simple, but most people never even bother to come up with a theory. If you keep theorizing and testing it against reality, eventually you’ll develop a great intuition.
Being comfortable in large groups and parties is just a learned skill. For many years, I identified as someone who was very comfortable in one-on-one settings, but unsure of how to socialize in groups. Then I started hosting more parties and events for work and realized I’d mythologized this “comfortable in small groups/comfortable in big groups” thing way too much. It’s literally just a thing you teach yourself how to do. Assume a normal and friendly affect! Talk to people sincerely and unpretentiously! Circulate! If needed, break it down into a set of procedural steps—this is how I enter a conversation with a group of people I don’t know, this is how I leave the conversation when I’m bored.
Not everyone needs to like you. In fact, people are allowed to dislike you for dumb reasons—projecting their own insecurities, completely misunderstanding you, whatever. It is in your best interest to just let them dislike you. In fact, being secure in yourself and comfortable with being disliked will actually make you more likable.
All the popular dating advice out there is advice for anxious women. If you are an avoidant woman you should not be taking this advice. In general, hyperfixating on any particular dating advice is likely lead you down the wrong path.
As a reformed people pleaser myself, I ardently disapprove of them. Constantly repressing your true desires in order to “please” someone else leads to worse outcomes for everyone involved. However people pleasing is an deep-seated addiction and you have to accept that most people are just Stuck That Way. Focus on rectifying your own people pleasing tendencies instead.
When multiple people say the same very bad thing about someone, it’s best to take it as true and avoid them. I don’t mean, like, they’re difficult to work with or they’re a negligent boyfriend or whatever—I mean that they’ve hurt someone in a way that’s beyond the pale. Back away slowly.
People who lack discernment will cause you a lot of problems. They’ll date annoying people, work with annoying people, befriend annoying people, and if you are sufficiently close to them you will be impacted by all of this.
Try to be dispassionate in your assessments of people, but forgive them easily. Life is easier when you let people be who they are instead of resenting them for it.
If you think you lack discernment because you always end up enmeshed with questionable people, what’s likely going on is that they are bristling with red flags and you ignore every single one because your family of origin or previous romantic relationships have conditioned you to see them as normal. Try to identify someone who is more relationally discerning than you and think deeply about what they index on.
If you think of someone, text them :)
Don’t let not texting someone back for a very long time stop you from doing the above.
If someone is avoidant, let them avoid you. Check in at a reasonable interval to let them know that you care.
Be gracious, even when you don’t have to.
From Codependent No More: The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs. When someone asks for your advice, it’s fine to give it. But I recommend only giving them further advice if you notice them actually listening and implementing what you’re saying. Otherwise you will become as crazy as they are.
If someone is in a pretty good relationship and you think it’s not the perfect relationship for them, Do Not Say Anything. If someone is a definitively bad relationship, Say Something Once. Then move on.
I find the mentality of “your critics are always right” to be very helpful. Try to find the grain of truth in what people say about you.
At the same time, what you think of yourself is ultimately more important than anything else. Our culture castigates people wholesale and then forgets about it six months later. Opinions come and go, but self-regard persists. If you don’t like yourself you will punish yourself in cruel and unusual ways.
Rejection is protection. Seriously. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but once you get it you really get it.
Conflict can become really fun once you get it right! Conflict can be incredibly painful when you get it wrong. Don’t let the excruciating pain turn you off conflict—passionately disagreeing with people is what makes life worth living.
Try to see it from their perspective. Even if they’re obviously wrong and you’re obviously right ;)
Resentment happens when you’re unwilling or unable to stand up for yourself. Instead of fixating on how someone else is letting you down, examine how you’re letting yourself down, and change your behavior.
Glennon Doyle: “Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
Thank you for this! Very timely!
Wise advice 🫶