“So why wouldn’t I want to date them? Answer: because you can’t really talk to them, dumbass.”
Loved the article - this quote in particular is adjacent to the struggle to go from seeing the other person as an idealized concept (or even object) to seeing them as a human and partner.
The way you cut through the fluff to the fundamental emotional truth is uncanny. Feels harder than ever to “know” and honor what one wants. It’s like lack of confidence prevents us from being in tune with and sticking by our emotions. Doubt. You aren’t sure if you like someone enough to be serious. Is it my emotions that want to move on or is it my dysfunctional habit of over thinking? Which one do I trust? Another manifestation of the lack self-awareness as you mentioned. Thanks for the great thought fodder
A perspective I could add too is that even knowing or understanding your own emotions is not always simple - in my case for example, I only properly worked out what I have felt about some people and interactions YEARS LATER.
My emotions at the time confused me and I had to make the best of it, usually utterly failing to communicate what I felt because I couldn’t even establish what I felt in my own mind :)
One of the reasons I married my wife was that she was so good at explaining her emotions and also the direct connection between my stupidity and her emotions, and that really helped me to grow and become a better person. And to be less stupid :)
"For ex, PUA advice will say, women like dominant men, so you should frame all your conversations with them in this particular way"
There are some useful points here, but the essay ignores the asymmetry between men and women, e.g. that the average man finds the average woman attractive but not vice versa, per OKCupid data (from back when OKCupid wasn't owned by Match).
This is insightful and thoughtful - especially the point around tactful honesty. As a naturally shy guy who grew up with sisters, one of the painful lessons I learned is not to blindly trust my sisters dating advice because they failed to differentiate globally attractive behavior to behavior that is deemed attractive only bc they’re already into the guy.
For example, the advice of be bold and just ask her out. Actually the nuance is “be bold and ask her out, after you’ve had some interactions, built up some trust and generated some attraction bc trust and attraction are prerequisites to getting a girl to be excited about going out w you”
I never knew how to articulate these hidden nuances / context but I feel like you’ve started to build a solid framework around this. This might be one of the best dating pieces I’ve read since Mark Mansons Models book on male masculinity!
I would be interested to hear your thoughts on step 1 of the dating cycle: "meet someone on Raya/Hinge or serendipitously at a party" I feel like - particularly in SF - this can be a difficult/painful process all on its own? Am I telling on myself here? 😅
"we’re not taught how to ask hard questions of both ourselves and others", wonderful post.
thank you 🥺
“So why wouldn’t I want to date them? Answer: because you can’t really talk to them, dumbass.”
Loved the article - this quote in particular is adjacent to the struggle to go from seeing the other person as an idealized concept (or even object) to seeing them as a human and partner.
A thousand times yes.
❤️❤️❤️
this resonated with me so so much. thank you, wow.
The way you cut through the fluff to the fundamental emotional truth is uncanny. Feels harder than ever to “know” and honor what one wants. It’s like lack of confidence prevents us from being in tune with and sticking by our emotions. Doubt. You aren’t sure if you like someone enough to be serious. Is it my emotions that want to move on or is it my dysfunctional habit of over thinking? Which one do I trust? Another manifestation of the lack self-awareness as you mentioned. Thanks for the great thought fodder
Really interesting post! Very thoughtful.
A perspective I could add too is that even knowing or understanding your own emotions is not always simple - in my case for example, I only properly worked out what I have felt about some people and interactions YEARS LATER.
My emotions at the time confused me and I had to make the best of it, usually utterly failing to communicate what I felt because I couldn’t even establish what I felt in my own mind :)
One of the reasons I married my wife was that she was so good at explaining her emotions and also the direct connection between my stupidity and her emotions, and that really helped me to grow and become a better person. And to be less stupid :)
this is by far the best most real piece on dating i've ever read.
"For ex, PUA advice will say, women like dominant men, so you should frame all your conversations with them in this particular way"
There are some useful points here, but the essay ignores the asymmetry between men and women, e.g. that the average man finds the average woman attractive but not vice versa, per OKCupid data (from back when OKCupid wasn't owned by Match).
PUA works for sane guys who deliberately practice it (which most guys don't, https://theredquest.wordpress.com/2021/06/30/most-guys-dont-care-much-about-getting-laid-i-hypothesize/). Good PUA looks like a guy maxing his attractiveness and having good social skills. If you think it's PUA, it's likely being done poorly in an uncalibrated way.
Woweeeeeee thank you for this it is helping me process some big stuff right now. Incredible post.
This is insightful and thoughtful - especially the point around tactful honesty. As a naturally shy guy who grew up with sisters, one of the painful lessons I learned is not to blindly trust my sisters dating advice because they failed to differentiate globally attractive behavior to behavior that is deemed attractive only bc they’re already into the guy.
For example, the advice of be bold and just ask her out. Actually the nuance is “be bold and ask her out, after you’ve had some interactions, built up some trust and generated some attraction bc trust and attraction are prerequisites to getting a girl to be excited about going out w you”
I never knew how to articulate these hidden nuances / context but I feel like you’ve started to build a solid framework around this. This might be one of the best dating pieces I’ve read since Mark Mansons Models book on male masculinity!
Excellent post.
really resonated with this, thanks for writing and sharing
Really love this!
I would be interested to hear your thoughts on step 1 of the dating cycle: "meet someone on Raya/Hinge or serendipitously at a party" I feel like - particularly in SF - this can be a difficult/painful process all on its own? Am I telling on myself here? 😅
Wonderful post