therapy as a way of aligning with your subconscious

a Review of my time in therapy

Helen Schjerfbeck, Clothes Drying, 1883

When I started seeing a therapist two and a half years ago, I wasn’t sure that therapy worked. I couldn’t imagine a therapist being smarter or more knowledgable about me than my best friends were, and I’d seen studies that suggested therapy’s impact on patients was unclear. I also knew a lot of people who’d been in talk therapy for years who seemed like they had major emotional problems that weren’t getting better.

I’ve seen four therapists over this period of time, partially because I’ve moved around a lot, and also partially because I was searching for the ideal therapy experience. It’s like pornography: I didn’t know exactly what I was searching for, but I was sure I’d recognize it when I found it. That might sound insane to you, but my strategy worked—I really like my current therapist. She’s by far my favorite, and I plan to keep seeing her until the day when she declares I have no more problems. The reason why I like her more than the others is that I emotionally connect to her—I feel safely attached, and also really trust her judgment. So if at all possible, I suggest that you find a therapist you deeply like and trust. However, I don’t think this is actually necessary for therapy to work, because the most important thing about therapy is that it helps you realize things everyone around you already sees. In short: it helps you consciously process subconscious signs.

Picture a friend stuck in a Bad Job. They’ve obviously been somewhat depressed since they started the job, and it’s not a good use of their talents. Well, yes, I think I’m going to leave, they say, but you know… it’s really not so bad. I’m gonna wait six months to see if changing teams helps. Two years later, they leave. Gosh, they say to you, that was awful. I wish I left earlier. All the signs were there, but when you’re looking out from the inside, you have too much information. You can rationalize anything to yourself.

This is where therapy comes in. All four of my therapists had very different styles, but they noticed the same things about me. And every week, they would gently push on those things. Though I was trying my best to ignore my subconscious (as we all are!), it’s hard to hide when you find yourself saying the same things over and over. In the middle of the session the thought might occur to you that you always have the same three complaints. Strange, you think. Am I stuck in a bad equilibrium?

If you have this thought, the answer is almost certainly yes. Bad repetition is something to watch out for. Another clue is something I’ve been discussing with N recently: your body is probably trying to send you signs! I’ve had friends experience everything from chronic headaches to phantom pains in their body that disappeared when they broke up with a partner or left a job. Something I wish someone had told me a year ago: if really weird things are suddenly starting to happen to you, think about whether your subconscious is trying to send you a message. Sometimes this is emotional weirdness, and sometimes it’s quite external. When you’re in denial, I think your subconscious will literally try to wave red flags at you until you pay attention.

One thing that therapy has made me realize is that very few things happen for no reason. If you suddenly fall in love, if you develop a weird compulsion, if you’re incredibly anxious for no reason… there is a reason. You have to look for the reason. If there are all these things going weirdly wrong in your life and you aren’t looking for a reason (what a strange coincidence…), you’re probably in denial.

We’re all incentivized to constantly be in denial. For example, if all of your best friends agree on one thing, and you’re like, yeah, they just don’t get it: you’re in denial. If anyone who knows you well is like this situation is really bad, and you’re like well actually it’s fine: you’re probably in denial. The point a therapist is someone who is professionally paid to help you realize you’re in denial. Yes, your friends will try their best, but they have other things to worry about and they probably don’t want to alienate you.

Few people in in your life are incentivized to tell you something that you aren’t ready to hear. They’re worried about your reaction. They’re worried about overstepping. They’re sick of your bullshit. But if you have a good therapist, they’ll find a way to slowly but firmly explain to you what your subconscious is telling you over weeks and months and years. And you’ll resist for a long time, but then one day you’ll be like, maybe this person has a point.

I’ve made big changes in my life over the past couple of years, and I’m really happy I made those changes. I probably would’ve gotten there anyway, but it would’ve taken me significantly longer. My review of therapy is this: when I finally get the point, I’m like well duh. And then I realize it’s taken me approximately a million years too long. But therapy has usually helped me speed it up. It’s also made me realize how prone to denial I am. I’m grateful for that.