Gunther Forg, Untitled, 2007 Two friends once told me that after a decade of working on startups together they had exhausted their ability to panic. I understood what they were pointing to—not enlightenment but a kind of hard-won resignation, an ability to be calm under pressure borne from living through intense chaos for a long period of time. I like think of it as containment, though some people would say
This resonated with me so much. I am very afraid of being seen as 'leaky' and yet the people I gravitate toward are much less contained than I am, in part, because they create an environment where I feel more comfortable being myself. In contrast, I often feel stifled / judged in the presence of other contained people. These days, I'm trying to self-censor less because I want others to feel comfortable being themselves around me too but I do worry that I risk becoming too permissive, too open-hearted.
I've always struggled with this tension -- being contained can feel inauthentic in some ways, but also necessary for some self-preservation and is also a more 'socially acceptable' way to present oneself. It's hard to find the right balance, I guess it depends on where your natural default lies and what type of tone you're trying to set in your relationships. I appreciate your nuanced take on it.
I am someone who tries to not leak or remain contained, but now a days, I am trying to be a bit leaky person. I feel being contained has drifted me away from people and friends. I think it's okay to be less contained, although it's super hard to find the right balance.
The first paragraph reminded me of my line of work (bartending/serving). I’ve pretty much transcended panic during stressful shifts. Deep breath, and just keep doing one (or six) things at a time as efficiently as you can, but without rushing and breaking things. One time, after literally getting crushed by patrons after a country concert got our down the street from the bar I worked at then, the young bar back said, “excuse me, how did you not cry?” I laughed. If I were here age, with less experience, I probably would have cried.
I, too, value composure. I struggle at times with being too impulsive and expressive. I let my emotions get the best of me.
Your articles always land with such specificity on many areas of life and I appreciate the thoughts and “yes! Aha!”s that they provoke. :)
"The dating advice I most consistently give friends: you only need to know what’s happening, you don’t need to know why. Closure is sometimes given, but never summoned."
This hits. I've conflated the necessity to convince a girl to like me because that's the model of romance I internalized. After better relationships, I'm internalizing that it is reality that's the most important, not a fantastical future.
This resonated with me so much. I am very afraid of being seen as 'leaky' and yet the people I gravitate toward are much less contained than I am, in part, because they create an environment where I feel more comfortable being myself. In contrast, I often feel stifled / judged in the presence of other contained people. These days, I'm trying to self-censor less because I want others to feel comfortable being themselves around me too but I do worry that I risk becoming too permissive, too open-hearted.
I've always struggled with this tension -- being contained can feel inauthentic in some ways, but also necessary for some self-preservation and is also a more 'socially acceptable' way to present oneself. It's hard to find the right balance, I guess it depends on where your natural default lies and what type of tone you're trying to set in your relationships. I appreciate your nuanced take on it.
I am someone who tries to not leak or remain contained, but now a days, I am trying to be a bit leaky person. I feel being contained has drifted me away from people and friends. I think it's okay to be less contained, although it's super hard to find the right balance.
I love and I hate that I understand your last paragraph.
The first paragraph reminded me of my line of work (bartending/serving). I’ve pretty much transcended panic during stressful shifts. Deep breath, and just keep doing one (or six) things at a time as efficiently as you can, but without rushing and breaking things. One time, after literally getting crushed by patrons after a country concert got our down the street from the bar I worked at then, the young bar back said, “excuse me, how did you not cry?” I laughed. If I were here age, with less experience, I probably would have cried.
I, too, value composure. I struggle at times with being too impulsive and expressive. I let my emotions get the best of me.
Your articles always land with such specificity on many areas of life and I appreciate the thoughts and “yes! Aha!”s that they provoke. :)
An insightful, concise and well written piece.
"The dating advice I most consistently give friends: you only need to know what’s happening, you don’t need to know why. Closure is sometimes given, but never summoned."
This hits. I've conflated the necessity to convince a girl to like me because that's the model of romance I internalized. After better relationships, I'm internalizing that it is reality that's the most important, not a fantastical future.