This is wonderful. I am 72 years old and recently celebrated my 50th wedding anniversary. It has been 50 years of intimate annoyance, all in the service of something I cannot name but has to do with mortality. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Of course.
“Your spouse will frustrate more than anyone else”
“the thing nobody quite tells you about marriage is: you’re choosing the person in life who’s going to upset, disappoint, annoy and frustrate you more than anybody else.”
in love the heart surrenders itself entirely to the one being that has known how to touch it. That being is not selected; it is recognised and obeyed.—George Santayana
I think there's something about the Tao in all this. Some people seek a more chaotic relationship (more excitement and passion, but also more volatility and annoyance). Others want more order and stability. They are ok with less passion. They want a partner, to help them keep the house, raise the kids, pay the bills. I think it's fine that someone prefers one or the other. It probably has to do with the way they were raised (whether it was chaotic or boring), and what their life looks like.
Me personally, I agree with you. Give me the chaos and the annoyance of romance rather than the security of partnership. But this also takes work-- to infuse a long-standing relationship with constant mystery. But I'd rather ride a rollercoaster than a cargo train, even if it means I have to grip the sides the entire time.
The book “You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Richard Schwartz (about IFS and intimacy) was a revelatory read - explains so much about how we seek out partners that we hope will redeem us and that sets us up to be re-wounded by them instead.
I love this. I used to feel I was such an annoyance to everyone in my life, until my longtime partner came along and he made annoying me into a sport (lol) and now it's our love language! Annoyance, being persistent in your pursuit, what difference does it make! After a long day when I'm tired, and he comes up to me with the purpose of annoying me, I know I'm loved. On purpose I want to get to you! To make you feel something! He always is able to make me laugh by being annoying I love it. I love him!
I loved reading this Ava - a thought provoking piece packed full of hard truths. I think fundamentally we are all annoying. But often we put so much on our partners, expecting them to meet our every need, or spending so much time together that it would be impossible not to get annoyed at some points! I don’t think intimacy is ever easy - but that’s also what makes it so special. You have to take the good with the bad to truly experience it.
Beautifully articulated. One of the recent moments of intimacy I experienced was catching myself mid-thought getting annoyed at my partner telling me a story in her typically roundabout disgressing manner ("get to the point!"). I could only take a step back and laugh at what a wonderful problem that was for me to have.
Great piece, Ava! You gave me a lot to reflect on, and I do agree that love and annoyance are inextricable. In fact, I believe that it is somehow selfish to desire a non-annoying type of love. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. I wonder, however, why you think that disorganized individuals are more prone to loving than organized people?
I find that there are things that happen that are annoying when people are the cause but are insignificant when people are not the cause. Suppose I were hit by an acorn: it's annoying when a person threw it at me, it doesn't bother me at all if it happened to fall out of a tree. The difference is in my mind and that insight transforms how I feel when it's a person who is the cause. The lovely gift from annoying people is they bring my attention to how I continue to construct the annoyance I experience.
This is wonderful. I am 72 years old and recently celebrated my 50th wedding anniversary. It has been 50 years of intimate annoyance, all in the service of something I cannot name but has to do with mortality. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Of course.
Visa says this as well:
https://www.visakanv.com/blog/relationships/
“Your spouse will frustrate more than anyone else”
“the thing nobody quite tells you about marriage is: you’re choosing the person in life who’s going to upset, disappoint, annoy and frustrate you more than anybody else.”
Came to write the same reference! Choosing a romantic partner is choosing what kind of person you want to fight with 🤓
in love the heart surrenders itself entirely to the one being that has known how to touch it. That being is not selected; it is recognised and obeyed.—George Santayana
I think there's something about the Tao in all this. Some people seek a more chaotic relationship (more excitement and passion, but also more volatility and annoyance). Others want more order and stability. They are ok with less passion. They want a partner, to help them keep the house, raise the kids, pay the bills. I think it's fine that someone prefers one or the other. It probably has to do with the way they were raised (whether it was chaotic or boring), and what their life looks like.
Me personally, I agree with you. Give me the chaos and the annoyance of romance rather than the security of partnership. But this also takes work-- to infuse a long-standing relationship with constant mystery. But I'd rather ride a rollercoaster than a cargo train, even if it means I have to grip the sides the entire time.
The book “You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Richard Schwartz (about IFS and intimacy) was a revelatory read - explains so much about how we seek out partners that we hope will redeem us and that sets us up to be re-wounded by them instead.
I love this. I used to feel I was such an annoyance to everyone in my life, until my longtime partner came along and he made annoying me into a sport (lol) and now it's our love language! Annoyance, being persistent in your pursuit, what difference does it make! After a long day when I'm tired, and he comes up to me with the purpose of annoying me, I know I'm loved. On purpose I want to get to you! To make you feel something! He always is able to make me laugh by being annoying I love it. I love him!
I loved reading this Ava - a thought provoking piece packed full of hard truths. I think fundamentally we are all annoying. But often we put so much on our partners, expecting them to meet our every need, or spending so much time together that it would be impossible not to get annoyed at some points! I don’t think intimacy is ever easy - but that’s also what makes it so special. You have to take the good with the bad to truly experience it.
True heroism is not just about overcoming suffering but having the courage to rebuild from the ruins.
——Candide (written by Voltaire)
This might be your best post, Ava. Congratulations.
you just summarized my entire love language!!!
Beautifully articulated. One of the recent moments of intimacy I experienced was catching myself mid-thought getting annoyed at my partner telling me a story in her typically roundabout disgressing manner ("get to the point!"). I could only take a step back and laugh at what a wonderful problem that was for me to have.
Beautiful piece of writing. Like in work, like in art, like in anything worth learning, the essential element is ‘friction.’
Great piece, Ava! You gave me a lot to reflect on, and I do agree that love and annoyance are inextricable. In fact, I believe that it is somehow selfish to desire a non-annoying type of love. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. I wonder, however, why you think that disorganized individuals are more prone to loving than organized people?
I find that there are things that happen that are annoying when people are the cause but are insignificant when people are not the cause. Suppose I were hit by an acorn: it's annoying when a person threw it at me, it doesn't bother me at all if it happened to fall out of a tree. The difference is in my mind and that insight transforms how I feel when it's a person who is the cause. The lovely gift from annoying people is they bring my attention to how I continue to construct the annoyance I experience.
Lovely lovely read
Very intriguing
Great one as always