things hold memories!!

objects as a vessel for feelings

The only pic I have of my treasured, beloved, currently injured backpack :(

I wear the same outfit every time I travel. An oversized James Street Co sweater, red Adidas track pants I got from Depop, and a Hanes boys’ t-shirt (best t-shirt ever). It’s a scientifically perfect travel outfit: comfortable enough to sleep in, but still very much me. I also carry the same backpack everywhere.

I love backpacks: I own a Miu Miu messenger bag, a Tod’s leather tote, and a couple other bags I can carry a laptop in, but the backpack as a form factor reigns supreme. I searched for several years for the perfect backpack, never finding one that was the right balance of chic and practical. Then I found The One on Grailed. It was a suede Jil Sander bag that I have since carried all over the country and to every coffee shop in San Francisco. 

Yesterday, as I was packing for a trip, the buckle on the bag snapped. My first thought was: oh man, now I need to buy a new backpack. My second was: no, I need to repair this one. Even if I stop using it (the straps are getting a little worn out), I sort of want it to keep me company around the house for another decade or two. Maybe that sounds crazy to you. Maybe you also anthropomorphize your belongings. (I’m currently struggling with whether to throw away the remains of a lollipop or scrapbook it. Don’t ask.)

I’ve been seeing the line “hair holds memories” all over TikTok recently, and it’s gotten me thinking about things that hold memories in a good way. My travel outfit is one example, but there are others. Tofu-colored Hokas. A pair of vintage Levi’s 505s that I will wear until the fabric literally disintegrates. This gray Lemaire blazer that remains the absolute only blazer that’s ever looked good on me. A pair of boots from Rachel Comey that I wore in the British countryside until the soles broke and I got them fixed.

The items that are mainstays of my closet and life can feel arbitrary at first glance, but understanding what I like has come out of understanding who I am. I like things that are thoughtfully made but also relatively casual, because I am essentially a casual person. I wear the same things over and over again and I don’t like patterns and I’m never going to be somewhere who wears extremely complicated outfits. I felt so free when I realized that I pretty much only want to own jewelry that will stay on my body at all times (four rings and a pair of earrings I never switch out). 

Now, when I shop, I try to look for things that will hold lots of memories. Not just from a cost-per-wear perspective, but because of the absolute satisfaction of watching a bag or a piece of clothing become not just something you wear or use but part of your identity, a part of your life. I got kissed in this dress. Okay. I got kissed in this dress about 400 times. Well, now we’re talking. Just like each couple has their own unique lore (we met online, and then chatted for 365 days straight before meeting…) the objects we love most develop their own mythology.

I’ve always been someone who’s been sensitive to objects (I once had a shrooms trip where I just thought about how much I loved the lamps in my apartment), but lately I’ve been really contemplating about how much they can weigh us down. I think this is the result of living in my first ever big-girl apartment with actual furniture I chose for myself, and actually keeping all (well, most) of my clothes in one place. My friend D mentioned that she had a dream about how she owned too many things and gave up her apartment and put everything into storage as a result. Lightness, etc.

Our things travel through time with us. Sometimes the time travel feels grounding, and sometimes it just feels like malaise (the classic “I have so many clothes in my wardrobe but nothing I want to wear”). Sometimes friends will ask me what they should buy, and I always get way too existential about it, because what you wear and own is always a question of how you see yourself, how you want to be seen, and how you feel. How could I possibly answer that for someone else? (I mean, only under duress…)

I wrote a couple weeks ago about how being a woman can feel like drowning in the sea of objects other people are trying to sell you. It’s so easy to get ensnared by ads or aimless browsing and then end up wasting money on clothes or objects we don’t love. But loving something for a long time feels like the opposite of that: you wear it and rewear it and treasure it, and if you grow out of it it becomes a time capsule that preserves who are you are in the present. Memories can weigh us down, but they also point to where we’re going.

aforementioned travel outfit with the Hokas minus the sweater on the day I flew into Copenhagen. I always wear running shoes on the plane because I have generally unrealized ambitions of running on my trips

I got this dress off Poshmark a couple months ago and I can tell I’ll be wearing it to shreds

I really like this J Crew bag because it’s bigger than a backpack but smaller than a duffle, which makes it perfect for all sorts of situations. The suitcase is from Amazon and alas I fear it may soon… break… at which point I’ll get a better quality one but for now it’s doing great.